james2285

idiot

2012-02-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

you are a fucking idiot coultivating another relationship with a woman a married woman in an unhappy marriage

FUCKING INSANE IDIOT BASTARD

screaming

2012-02-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

woke up screaming last night. scared the shit outa the wife.

i think the new friend ive been hanging out with is setting me up to fuck her.

got caught in the bathroom the other night the wife walked in on me when i was on the phone with the gf. gf hung up quick and should have called me out on it but why she did not i can not even understand.

INSANE BASTARD

a new one

2012-02-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

the story sounds so familiar. hanging out at my voulenter gig and make friends with a woman who is unhappy in her marriage hang with her some more send e mails and texts. went up the bar with her and a larg group of people all that type of shit. last night she gave me this full body hug and pressed her cheek to mine. no hip action. im not trying to fuck her just seem to be heading that way. asking myself would i do er if i had the chance? think i would fuck a snake if somewon would hold it still for me.

flat tire on the bike yesterday put some fix a flat in it and rode it back to my lhouse.

i was riding my snowboard well this past weekend.

had a tremendous O with the gf on sunday. guess thats what keeps me coming back to her.

still ask myself what the fuck im doing and still answer I DON'T KNOW!

INSANE BASTARD

voices in my head

2012-01-12T06:18:00.000-08:00

the voices have been quiet for the past couple of days. nice weather rode the big bike couple of days now the weather is shit and rain and snow forcast so im back on the little one. been snowboarding with a woman at the hill she is nice. im trying not to fuck her.

went to bed early last night rubed one out in the bathroom before and slept well.

locked my tool box keys inside it got it them out with a coat hanger and some sitcky velcro.

INSANE BASTARD

2012-01-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

well i've hit a new low i think. i went to the girlefriends house after work yesterday (at her request) and let her eff the s*(&^ outta me. nice a little nap and i was on my way. got back to the house in time for a family dinner before the wife and i were off to a prayer service at church.

went to bed and couldn't sleep for the guilt surprising right? funny thing though i haven't had a suicide thought for a couple of days now. got lots of them today too many to mention but hopefully i'll listen to the thoughts someday soon and it will all be done.

INSANE BASTARD

new years resolutions

2012-01-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

both the wife and the gf stated in remorkable the same words that they rosolve to have more sex with me in the new year. great i kind of feel like that Dr in the old porn deep throught.

pretended to go to fla to ditch the gf for the week it was just easyer for me that way. all she would have to do is check the phome records and know i never left the state. guess she sees what she wants to see.

got another one on the line at volenteer thing. gona an try not to fuck her

INSANE BASTARD 2012

christmas 2011

2011-12-22T05:37:00.000-08:00

thinking about taking the boys down to see my dad after christmas. leaving the wife here. yea like thats gona happen maybee ill just tell the gf that and take the week off from her. yea i am that bastard.

ski hill are crap

rode the big bike to work

they offered us at work today that we can come in an hour early so we can leave an hour early.
WTF! ok appreciate the offer but i already get up at 5am i dont want to get up at 4 just to get to the gf house an hour earlier.

went to the funeral of an old coworker yesterday 58 he was. lots of my old coworkers havent made it to 60. ???????

saw chris stanton at the auto parts he invited me to a lunch christmas party at the local bar. pass but at least he hastnt changed much in 20 years older fatter but still the same guy holding the same ideals as always cars garage drinking ect.

INSANE BASTARD

weekend update

2011-12-19T07:04:00.000-08:00

fri gf house made her a very nice dinner. i was throwing gall stones around from a yogurt and banana of all things so i didnt eat. didnt even fuck just layed around.

saturday i took the fam skiing but conditions were crap so we didnt stay long ran errands. went "home" had a very light lunch and did som fucking. put a master cylinder on her truck good brakes now. went to other hill with the gf where conditions were ok. went back to her house and didnt f too tired.

Sunday church and then to hill made a few runs and went to get gf. made soup from a packet mix and ham it was good filling and pretty cost effictive. went back to gf house and showered and read and fucked.

INSANE BASTARD

band tie

2011-12-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

put the band tie around my neck last night and pulled it. i had it on the sip side so it didnt really tighten gutless bastard that i am. thought it might ruin christmas for the kids as well. the fear and reality in my eyes is starting to scare me though. like someday the suicide thoughts are gona win.

still fighting this cold lots of zinc lozenges and zicam

did not do the wife couldent didnt even rub one out in the bathroom . fell asleep and woke up gasping for air 3 times last night i think im allergic to the tree as well as the cat

INSANE BASTARD

self loathing

2011-12-15T11:19:00.001-08:00

not really sure what that means but i think im full of it lately. staying kinda buizy at work lately but not wnough to keep my mind from wandering to drinking and suicide.

bought some cold remidy and zink lossanges cause my co worker has a cold and i do not want it!

prolly gona f the wife tonight

FUCKING INSANE BASTARD

scared my self

2011-12-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

i was back at my house yesterday sunday packing up for an outing with the fam and voulenteer gig. when i had the bigest urge to pick up the shot gun and shoot myself. i noted where the gun was and where the shells were. i ran from the room and cryed myself sick. think the only thing i think saved me was i remembered there is a triger lock on the gun and the key is double locked in the garrage. scared me tho the urge was as strong at my old drinking urges

did not drink last thursday. remembered i was to take the boys out to dinner for getting good grades. went for pizza anw we went to church

friday did the gf thing
saturday slept in and then went skiing in the afternoon.

INSANE BASTARD

gona drink

2011-12-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

think ill just drink instead everybody is kinda if expecting that. its just a very slow form of suicide. my last drunk i blew a .41 the Dr at the jail said thats leithel. proved her wrong but there hasta be a leithel limit and damit im gona find it.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-12-06T05:52:00.000-08:00

at the risk of something... dont know what im going to post for the record im feeling a little better lately not coughing as much and needing my inhaler less. the only thin im doing different is gargaling when i brush my teeth. i read that someware. so im trying it. as the saying goes i'd piss on a sparkplug if i thought it would do any good

on the inside though i still think about killing my self everyday

i went to the gf yeaterday after work we ran som errands and ate som dinner and fucked our brains out.

insane part is i came up with the idea for celerating our 25 wedding anniversary with the wife made a list of things to do and everything

INSANE BASTARD

2011-12-05T10:44:00.000-08:00

friday went to the gf and did her took soup for dinner and she read from the piano book
no skiing yet
slept in till 10 saturday did the wife and cleaned the garage

sunday went to church with the fam. it dont fall down when i walk in but it prolly should

puttered and got ready to ski on sunday
o yea put a ham in the slo cooker for dinner and the wife got all pissy couse she wanted to get 3 meals out of it and i put the whole thing in wtf when i cook she does not have to so why would she bitch about boiling up ham we eat what what we want and refer the rest its that simple. i told her if she keeps it ill just stop cooking altogether.

sunday went to the gf late masaged her and had a really good O

INSANE BASTARD

2011-12-02T05:42:00.000-08:00

rode the bike today hope it starts at lunch time. brought stuff to change plugs just in case.

got a call from my dads insurance yesterday clearing up the incident while going to FL.

then i talked to my dad (fuck) he had bought a new microwave cause his old one quit. but the new one didnt work either. i said "go flip the switch foron Dryer to Microwave" what he said, o shit dammit i forgot to do that again ged dammit i guess i'll put this new one in the box and bring to you guys in the spring. why not return it to the store? naa fuckt ill keep it it was only 60. not sure really if i should keep him down there but my brother is going down at the end of the month to check on him.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-12-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

skipping right past wanting to drink today to just thoughts of putting a 1911 pistol to my temple and pulling the trigger. the boy talked about painting this next summer with the shotgun and an old sheet. wonder how brain and blood would paint a sheet.

im scaring the fuck out of myself right now

INSANE BASTARD

snow

2011-11-30T08:33:00.000-08:00

put the tires w studs on the bike last cause it was callin for snow. got dressed this morning went to the garage hit the button and bam the door broke. and the bike would not start dore worked fine last night and the bike started just fine. guess there was a reason for me not riding.
think about dieng every day still if i did dad would hafta come back for the funeral and that would suck. guess ill wait till spring to off myself. think about it every day though. guess i should see a Dr about that but i wont.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-11-29T08:35:00.000-08:00

got my dad to FL without too much trouble. side swiped a truck at a gas station kinda both my fault and his so we exchanged paperwork and went on our way. got him all set up and flew back. hope he makes it to spring but if he does not he was happy and warm.

the wife picked me up at the port crying to see me. she really does love me. it makes me all the more of a bastard for it though.

couldent sleep last night for the guilt

guess my email got hijacked by a spambot and sent spam to everyone i ever sent an email to. sent out an appologee

INSANE BASTARD

did er again

2011-11-22T04:44:00.000-08:00

went to the gf again last night. did run som errands first though instead of putting them off and rushing straight over. she asked if i wanted to do her so i did dont think she got off but i just dont care left about 1030 laid in bed for hours till sleep finally came and i woke screeming cause i was in a concrete tunnel and it was exploding and fire everyware. didnt die in my dream so here i am typing the same bullshit i have for the past several years just as stupid as ever.

INSANE BASTARD

cant sleep

2011-11-21T07:49:00.000-08:00

couldent sleep friday night why you ask could it have been that my motorcycle was making a horibale knocking sound? no thats not it. could it be the trip to fl in the motor home that is still in getting worked on? no thats not it either. could it be the cats agravating my allergies and making me cough and wheeze constantly? no no no . could it be that i had just fucked the shit out of my gf and i am now laying next to my wife? yes i think that just might be it. that little voice in my head saying you are a worthless slimy contemptable evil auful ugly bastard JUST DO US ALL A FAVOR AND KILL YOURSELF NOW AND SAVE EVERONE FROM YOUR BULLSHIT ASSHOLE!

INSANE BASTARD

just venting about work

2011-11-18T05:58:00.000-08:00

gona bitch about work for a minute here cause we had a "pep" talk at our weekly meeting about doing things more efficiently. i asked hav you ever known us builders to sit on our ass cause we just had so many parts we didnt know where to begin. Every place i have ever been in GM or the few other companies i have worked for have ever been able to keep me in enough parts or information to keep my buisy. im not braging im slow as fuck by most standards but i cant build something out of nothing. period! period! period! GET US THE FUCKING PARTS. THE RIGHT PARTS. QUALITY PARTS AND WE WILL BUILD ENGINES TRANSMISSIONS CARS TRUCKS AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT US TO BUILD.

im just a worker drone doing my job as best as i can. its about the only thing i do right.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-11-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

this cold wont fucking let up today and yesterday its headache and sinus pressure.

had yesterday off took my dad to see a great aunt he kept saying he wanted to go see. She looks like a holocost surviver with nice hair. she still gets around via wheelchair and talks up a storm funny old person smell and likes it 85 degrees. still did my duty and got my dad there and acted kinda of interested. found out my biological maternal grandmother died of kidney disease.

still putting up barriers for the rodent in the attic

voulenter canidate testing this past weekend 10 outa 12. gf was a prissy bitch and walked out. fuck it i think im done teaching anyway.

fucked her sunday and the wife on monday

i hate myself
INSANE BASTARD

2011-11-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

slowly cralling out of this cold didn't take any meds yet today just cough drops

drove the truck yesterday and went costco at lunch and ran errands fixed shit around house and installed the new (reconditioned) dehumidifier. My brother talked me into it cause it was 1/2 price but it does not work right. he'll make it right just a pain in the ass as i had the cash for a new one.
put in the new batt in the 250 and took it out all systems working so far
still hearing a squirl but only in the attic now so im closing in on em.

gona try and get the boy to the sec of state to get his cycle permit today.

not thinking of suicide as much but it still pops up daily

INSANE BASTARD

still got a cold

2011-11-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

2+weeks now just stuffed up mostly but coughing a lot still too.

did another 5 hours at the other swap. one of the venders pulled me aside and said he wants to hook me up with a board for the season for helping sell so much of his crap kind of nice of him.

gave the gf a recipie for potatos and she made it for dinner last night it was good

made her ride me last night.

fixed the ninja but cooked the battery by leaving the charger on high overnight. goin to get a new one this afternoon on the way to the gf house if i go
INSANE FUCKING BASTARD

2011-10-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

hung from the climbing gear all sunday afternoon fixing the ridge vent hope it keeps the rodents out.
watched the last samarie with the youngest boy cause he is taking japanese as a second language i know its not historically accurate and it has tom cruise in it but i thought it was good

the oldest boy went on his first out of state outing with his girlfriend and the church group i think it went well. He is 18 now (no childe support when the inevidable happens) i took the hole fam out to dinner along with his gf (nice tits on that girl) one thing that bugs me about the wife is that dinner is done and she says O i forgot to bake get a cake. WTF she doesent work full time the house is a sty and she cant even remember to get a fucking cake for the boys bday. pulled into a local ice cream shop and although they were technacally closed for the season he had a cake good to go and we went back to the house and has a few laughs and opened som gifts n stuf.

did my 5 hours at the swap

droped my dad off with my brother for 2 weeks. motorhome is a work in progress

gf and the wife bleeding at the same time

INSANE BASTARD

gallbladder flush

2011-10-24T06:17:00.000-07:00

so i drank the apple juice all week. ate light no caffene except for the excedrin on thursday and saturday. gota have it or my headaches get to where i cant function. then i did the last part of the flush 2 teaspoons of epsom salt 2 hours apart. after the second one i passed everything i had and then went dark green liquid lighter green liquid then clear liquid. nassive amounts of liquid comming out of my butt. then i duitifully drank the oil and lemon mix (not as hard to do as i thought it would be) and went to bed. rumbled and stuff through the night and felt like i had eaten a huge greasy pizza the night before. didnt go to church. ate som crackers and apple juice. and stayed close to the bathroom. more liquid som green floaties and then a little but powerfull poop produced a dozen or so green floaties. like the flush instructions said theere would be. are they stones or just congeled oil? i dont know but i feel better knowing i tried to flush out things

chores around the house including fixing my dads tail lights. i really do put a lot of time into doing things for him . guess im kinda of resentfull about it but i do love him and want to take care of him as best as i can.

went to the gf house 3 times this weekend. did her 2 times.

think the squrile is comming in through my ridge vent ordered som climbing equipment to get on the roof to screw it down

INSANE BASTARD

feeling a little better

2011-10-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

feeling a little better today eating regular and taking my apple juice.

wentto the the gf house yesterday for som juice she got from the food bank. kinda felt guilty for taking it but she was late and it was going to go to waste if i didnt /she didnt have it. turns out it was just flavored corn syrp with vitem c not for me and my condition and it taste like bitter apple peals anyway. maybee the boys or dad will drink it as well.

we huged and i gave her a frozen dinner from dads freezer that i had stored at work

2011-10-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

just had the most evil and frightning thought i've hade in a long time. worst than killing my self worse . i thought that at least when i was drinking i knew what to expect from my body and it was better that way.

cold shivers

INSANE BASTARD

anniversary

2011-10-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

well the flowers were met with som luke warm enthusiam. i made dinner but didnt eat much my stomach still hurts before durring and after i eat, ulser? gall bladder? duno gona eat som cookies and a yogurt in a minute well see

parent teacher conferences last night as well the boys are doing well Cs and Bs better than i did in HS.

ate som more after and felt ok

called the gf to say good night

more pain in the gut when i lay down so i ate som crackers and soda tossed off and fell asleep

gf is alread naging me about spending newyears eve with her. the wife insists i have it with her
INSANE BASTARD

first date

2011-10-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

its the anniversary of the 1st date i had with my future wife we have been "together" for 26 years now.

been cheating on her for 11. did the gf last night skipped Sunday gall bladder acting up wasn't gonna do her but as we were sitting together on the couch my gut went puute and i felt better for a while.

took dads mhome in for repairs

almost got taken out by a deer this morning on the way to work. i don't think it would have killed me anyway just fucked up the bike.

still think i got a squirrel in my walls heard it last night

INSANE BASTARD

urging

2011-10-13T06:14:00.000-07:00

have the urge to drink lately. it came on strong after i fixed my truck Saturday night and was test driving it and it has not let up since.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-10-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

still a bastard still a lier and an unfaithful cheating asshole.
still think of new ways to off myself daily.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-09-26T06:02:00.000-07:00

im pretty good at eating puss. the gf got the toung fri and sunday while the wife got it on sat. takes 2 very diff styles for them but both cum strong when i do. course i spank off on em when there done.

its about the only thing i can do or give them that is good the rest is just lies and decite

thursday i caught the wife on her back traction board and while she was straped in i fingered her to O. dashed off a quicki my self

INSANE BASTARD

2011-09-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

everything i eat turns to acid on my stomach. had the shits for days now

i lay awake at night and feel guilty guilty GUILTY as i lay next to my wife of 23 years.

rain today had to get som wood at home depot anyway. always in a shit mood when i cant ride the bike

put a band tie in my bedside table. maybee ill put it on in my sleep

INSANE BASTARD

2011-09-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

my gall bladder has been actin up again pretty bad this time. got the shits today glad im not gay cause my ass hurts like a mthrferr. maybee its all the allergy tabs i been taken dont know but i almost went to the e room the other night

didnt do spit last night sept watch tv with the old man.

glad they settled the national contract found out there is a no strike clause in it till 2015. big sigh of relief on that one i hated being on strike.

made up 2 mor band ties to have them close by at all times.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-09-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

got the the gf house yesterday and she starts on about fall dates and shit and i like couldent handle all the fucking things i have to do in the next month my stomach was in knots and and shit was runnin out of me llike h2o. got all the dates put in my phone but not sure i can be and instructor anymore. im maintaining essentally 4 houses mine my dads the wido next door and the gf house + 12 fucking cars trucks and motorcycles. kinda all too much lately. watched the gf eat dinner cause i wadent hungry . she said "wish you would have told me that i would have eaten sooner" i appoligized and she gives me this guilt trip for not being hungry. if i had eaten i just would have felt like shit and had to sit on the toilett the rest of the night. instead we showered and fucked she did ask in a nice way if i wasent in the mood but i dare not say no

got back to my house and my mil and fil were there why in the fuck does my fil have to say som derogitory remark every time i see him. like look who finally came home. or good afternoon if he thinks ive goten up too late in the morning. one of these days hes going to get a hardy JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OLD MAN!!!!

INSANE BASTARD

2011-09-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

didnt go last night wife was all kinda freeked out about her parents comming in for the weekend. so we cleaned up a bit . fucking hate it when her mon comes she acta like all of a sudden we are not human and the house needs sanitizing. that would be ok if she wanted to live like that all the time and put the effort into cleaning it her self but noooo it only that bad just as she is panicking the house is a pig sty her mom is comming. already had it out with her years ago about her getting all freeky at times like this but i guess i need to hit her with it again. THIS IS HOW WE LIVE IF THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH YOUR PARENTS WILL HAFTA STAY AT A LOCAL MOTEL.

boy is getting confermed this weekend

going to gf house again this afternoon

started carrying a tie strap around with me everyware again.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-09-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

supost to be going on a bike ride today. dont know if i want to not that i couldent use the exersise but i wanna fuck the chick running it.

wacked it last night

INSANE BASTARD

did the wife

2011-09-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

so i did the wife last night why? guess she was just laying on the bed and i put on some lotion on her feet and gave her a fooot rub as usual and got a hardon and pumped her. guess i would have bated later in the bathroom anyway . got up and made a sammich after she fell asleep. i hate myself and the things i do
INSANE BASTARD

shocker

2011-09-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

thought of a wat to get rid of the gf. i was eating her the other night and fingering her at the same time and the thought occured to me hit er w the shocker she would hate it and slap me and we could have a huge fight about how much i wana do her ass and all that and she would find me a sick bastard and kick me to the curb. these are now my fantisy.

in reality i did make her go put in a job ap cause 8 per hour is better than sitting on her ass doing what she thinks is work on her book.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-09-08T08:46:00.000-07:00

prolly no suprize that im listening to cheating songs and watching death sceens on youtube today is it
INSANE BASTARD

laborday and more betrail

2011-09-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

so the gf went out of town for a week or 2 she lost her job and was planning this trip anyway so she went i texted her like she wantedme to and all that bs.
i stayed around the house and worked ot
laborday
took dad and the boys camping came bac the next day and loaded the bikes and took the wife on a road trip. only 50 miles or so but we went to church had dinner played tourist and stayed at a real nice b and b. romantic walk by the river in the evening. went and got the m home all in all put 600 miles on the road.

back at work more ot and the gf got back on wednesday. i did not voulenteer to take the day off and get her at the airport. i told her if she wants me to get her she would hav to wait till i got there. she landed at about 2 so she would hav to wait about 3 hours and being a princess that was too long so she got her son to pick her up. fucking small victory for me telling her no but fuck it shes gots start doing things on her own sometime right?

anyway the wife wants me to attend som church prayer group at 630 wed so i called the gf and offered her a quick welcime back hug telling her i only had about 1/2 hour. 2 min after getting to her house she had my cock in her pumping away. why did i go running back like some lost fucking puppy? what is fucking wrong with me. i got dressed and met the wife at church. good thing it was just reading from photo copy dont see the good in it but did really see the fucked up bas i was giving the group.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-08-30T13:04:00.001-07:00

took last fri off to be with gf stayed the night birthday on sat im just old now thats all. told the wife i was on a cycle ride with a group of friends. went back to my house took the wife to costco and looked around. opened som gifts and had icecreem cake. happy fucking birthday

met bro and sis inlaw to exchange dad at applebees on sunday

gf out of the country for the week.

takin the fam out on the boat after work maybee last time this year?

just kinda tired of it all i guess.

INSANE BASTARD

vacation 2

2011-08-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

started out by putting tires on dads m home had the boys help a lot. new tool works great. fixed the wodows van fuel pump. drove dad to week long campout bro is picking him up.
tought class monday night. fucked the gf gudby
headed out tuesday every part of this road trip down should not have more than 6 hours in the car.
got to the cathedral huge big enormas shitty part of town but non the less impressive.
went to dinner with a niece and her pussified husband to a jap steakhouse ok food
wednesday went to amusmant park. found out the wife and youngest bou didnt want to ride most of the rides so the oldest and i rode almost all of them. good time fast food and pints of icecream late at the motell. did not call the gf

thursday checked into a dump of a motell and went to the musium cool cool cool. went for mexican after. went for a walk after ran back to motell shit myself on the way. damit.
friday went back to the musium for hours and hurs and hours still ver cool. drove to the inlaws via the parkway got to inlaws ate a shitty late dinner. Gf went on an interview for a job talked to her on the phone while i shit my brains out.

friday back on the road to a condo rental private island bro and sis inlaw own property on. very posh and very out of my element.

Saturday went to beach, boy cut his foot. neice has huge tits i kept stairing at good thing i had shades on. went to right aid for first aid kit and swim shoes for me and boys. conversation at the other condo woth inlaws and cousins good time.

sunday of course church at 9 am some priest whos accent i couldent understand. might haven even been in latin for all i know. sis in law takes us to sandcastle clubhouse nice pool gate to the beach where she rented chairs and umbrellas for us. yet another sis in law shows up stare at her tits too. other boy cut his foot not wearing his swim shoes. dinner at inlaws again chat chat chat. did the wife

Monday did the wife again didnt even try to give her an O just pumped her. we go to the real private exclusive through 2 guarded gates clup house. Its like a cruse ship with mutipul pools and dudes handing you towels guy spraying the sand from the board walk to the beach with water so you dont burn your feet. course the boys and i have sandels on now. drinks just give the waiter or tender a number very very posh lots and lots of ritch tits to stare at. Out to dinner for niece birthday had a pasta house special it was good. presents for the birthday girl at the inlaws condo after

tuesday coffee on the deck while watching the grounds crew manicure the green outside out door and the course in general. sunscreen sand surf in the morning the wife and kids went shoping. i wacked off.had pre made lunches for the kayak tour in the afternoon. tour was cool had a real nice guy show us some dolfin clam beds and we climed around in some mud for a while it was cool just a pleasant time and i relaxed a bit. went shoping with the wife for a bit. showered and went to dinner at the inlaws. nice leaving them at the end of the day and comming back to a quied condo. Still way out of my elliment but relaxing just the same

wednesday more sunscreen and back to the swanky club. did another kayak tour with everybody not as nice as yesterday but cool. nefeu went on a paddle board but is was windy and he had a hard time of it. neise tiped her kayak and was in real trouble but i was able to lend minim help and got her back in her yak great tits on that girl.

thursday more suncreen back to the club pool ocean surf sand pool boys w towles chicks in small swimsuits, nice, took a nap after a shitty dry sordfish sandwitch with everybody. sent the wife shoping and got ready for dinner at the inlaws

friday got ready to hit the road no hurry. long drive ahead lunch on the road and checked into a hotell about 6pm.

Saturday back on the road after the waffles the wife can sure fuck a simple thing. Shes like where should we here or back in the room. I was having trouble with the auto waffler or whatever and i said where ever. and she goes someware. i get my stuff ready and turn around and she is gone, so i go up to the room. she is not there. come to find out instead of sitting down where i could see her she sits around the corner and just kind of complicated a very simple situation. in that reguard she is just like her mother every night she will come to the table trying to figure out where everyone is sitting so she can put out drinks or some such nonsense making a problem where there should not be one. just leave the drinks on the counter and we will pick them up and sit down with them and that is where we are sitting quit trying to be so fucking nice you agravate people for fucks sake. bit my tound cause shes not going to change

2 fucking hours to go 5 miles a little construction goes a long way in the interstate. got back about 7pm

2190 miles. altogether a good trip

too bad im still a
LYING CHEATING INSANE BASTARD

sunday church and finish putting crap away. went to the gf house and 5 min later shes fucking me.
Monday back to work and off the the gf ran som errands and made her a tv antenna showered and ate her to the O she missed out on last night.

INSANE BASTARD

vacation

2011-08-04T11:21:00.001-07:00

off for 2 weeks plus one day

INSANE BASTARD

fuel pump

2011-08-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

ordered a fuel pump for the neighbors van she is an older widow with a good for nothing son living with her. i think she would do alright without him living with her. so i get to pull the fuel tank down on her 18 year old truck. hope karma is watching. maybee itl make up for me being such a
FUCKING BASTARD

changed 2 of the tires on dads motorhome yesterday had to have lots of help from the boys. guess its a good skill to know and hopefully make them study harder so they dont hafta do it for a living.

INSANE BASTARD

Tred

2011-08-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

got soooomuch to do its all a lot overwhelming. it may be the only thing keeping me alive.
tires on the m home and dads truck class entertaining the gf maintaining the fleet ect ect ect.

let the gf fucn me yesterday after taking her dogs swiming. we went to class as well

tired as fuck today.

INSANE BASTARD

2011-07-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

still gota shit storm blowing in my head. worked out vacation time for the rest of the year including a couple of days for the gf. obsesed in my head about another gal cont get her out wana fuck her too why! do i really need another!!! woman in my life still dicky twitches when i think about her. taking the boys up north for a out anual guy trip weekend packing tonight.

INSANE BASTARD

vacation july 2011

2011-07-20T10:55:00.001-07:00

tuesday been back to work 2 days so i'll start with the end and work my way backwards cause i cant remember it another way.

last night i went to the gf took her dogs swimming cooked her a nice dinner while she puttered in the garden cooked her som of her own veggies and a steak suprized she wanted a steak but i cooked it well done for her and she kind of liked it we went to class and found out it was canceled. back home and i ate her to a few small o's and then i drilled her its the only way to describe it i knew it i stoped or let up i would go limp so drill drill drill her tits were bouncing and her head was bobbin around headboard hitting the wall the whole bit did have a good o though. took off about 9

monday and back to work busted out our jobs in the morning and slid the afternoon went back to the house put wheel bearings in the bike had dinner and did dads meds took them over and pumped his tanks i go back in and he droped some of them got them swept up he wanted to toss them but shit thats 20$ worth of meds on the floor so i took them and sorted them got him 9 weeks out now. tired, showered and did the wife big O was able to bust a nut pretty easy even after the dirty weekend.

sunday walked the dogs early up to dunken and got nuts and coffee fucked on the gf for a min or 2 couldent bust a nut. put the boat in the water the dogs love it and it was relaxing we had a picknic lunch at the lake and went backed and gardened and relaxed some more got icecream from the truck when it went by. showered and fucked to big Os . burgers on the grill a little cuddle and left.

Saturday i slept in while the gf walked the dogs. pancake for breakfast she do make good cakes lots of fruit. took a road trip to the beach long trip but worth it lots of pretty people and som pretty ugly people guy playing his guitar ,good time got home before dark walked the dogs and wentr to bed no fucking just light cuddling very hot.

friday went swiming and boating and pissed the dday away till some friends came over for dinner chicken on the grill salad and some ver political conversation kinda dont like the guy cause of that reason but he helped me pull the boat out caus his wife was a little sick

thursday got up and cuddled the wife in bed till it was time to leave for the gf house. (insirt fucking bastard comment here). went to the gf house went inside and she fucked my brains out for a couple of hours. cooked chicken when a friend came over to help us recertify out teaching crendentules. fucked like rabbits and slept .

at my house
wednsday built steps on the side of the house

tuesday we slept late and took the family out on the boat lots of relaxing did get the boys in the tube for a bit and i got up in the wake board for the first time this season. got a little sunburned . went out with the wife to buy a new ski rope and some clothes.

monday worked on waterproofing the east side of the house put in drain tile and painted it with waterproofer paint took all day

Sunday drove back home got the mhome set up and went to gf house

saturday boated and fun in the sunand sand, kids and i rode a home spun water slide into the water holy shit it was fast carried buckets of water up the hill the traction made my wrist feel better. looked up date codes for tires and found the m home tires are like 11 years old and the right front was totally fucked so i put the spare on for the trim home. checked tire pressure on everything
cooked brats and dogs for dinner along with a sea food pasta salad

friday boated and relaxed moste of the day went and got a fan belt for the boat . at the auto parts there was a dead cat on the counter and a local guy even said watch this and he put a can of freon on it and it didnt move. finally it opened one eye and i could barely see it breathing. said to the counterperson nice cat he said you want it. fuck no already got 2 at my house but i guess its a stray that mouses all night and sleeps on the counter all day. brother picked up the 2ond tire andput it on while i took his family and mine out for the day.

thursday worked on the mhome exhaust and got the tail pipe pointed in the right direction. took the truck and the quad and som kids out on the sand had a good time my brother launched my truck while i was riding the quad it looked so fucking cool! i made it up the big hill and we spent bout 4 hours before it got real hot and we went boating in the afternoon. the alt gage showed it wasent charging. i had thrown a fanbelt i had a universan spare that i tryed to put on that turned out to be a total piece of shit. brother had picked up the new tire as i was putting it on dad noticed the outer had a gouge in it fuck back to the tire store to order another 289$ expencive but not rip off prices. i took the wife out on the water for sunset and dancing and a little quiet time just the 2 of us.

wednsday first thing bro and i went tire shoping to replace the blown tire had to order one be in tomorow after noon went to the local shop for som sundry items. took the kids out boating and across to the sand. buried all the kids in the sand. youngest got sun burned a little whined about it a lot

tuesday headed out about 11 after we got everything loaded got about a hundred miles out and the right inner tire blew out. hotter than fuck on the side of the road but with the help of the oldest we had the spare on and on out way in about an hour rolled in camp at about 5pm

Monday the 4th up early to liik at why my truck brakes are overheating need a master cylinder i guess clamped off the rear flex line and its takes longer to stop but its ok. had a deer in my driveway eating mulberrys kinda cool. it looked up a few times but just wandered off eventually. took the fam to fire works thought we were gona have shitty view but it turned out well lots of traffic getting out but good show and worth the hassle.

Sunday church and worked on the east side of house a bit. took the gf a power washer and showed her how to use it. fucked her and went back to my house.

saturday cant remember what i did

friday drove truck to work and to gf house brakes overheating dont know why

thursday picked up pads and rotors for my truck did brakes on my truck

INSANE BASTARD

vacation

2011-07-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

off for 2 weeks from work

maybee ill die in some freek accident hopefully

INSANE BASTARD

2011-06-22T08:29:00.000-07:00

got to the gf house on monday she meet me in a very sexy dress, showing off little peeks every so often quite the turn on. i did a couple of jobs for her and she took me to bed. she lay on the bed touching herself and moaning i fingered her a little and then went and stroked het titties with my cock. she got off once twice three times. when i mounted her she was wet wet wet and i slid in and bust out ina bout 2 min we lay there panting and then napping while it rains outside.

i fixed dinner and we ate at the counter on the barstools i got her. we put on som music and she pulled her dress up and started stroking the pussy again so i leaned her back and did er again. didnt trust the stools to hold up to a good shagging si i draged her off to the bedroom and bent her over and did her doggy infront of the mirror. colapsing on the bed she got off a huge O and we rested again for a bit before showering. and hugging for a while

all this could be straight out of a porn movie

then i left! went back to my surband house with my wife and 2 children.

FUCKING INSANE BASTARD

late night thoughts

2011-06-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

sat in bed last night watching the wife sleep pondering things like the other night the youngest boy advanced in rank at the boyscouts (about fucking time) but i thought if i had shot myself the other night would he have still gone to collect his badge? how would they deal with the summer boating off roading camping? who would pump out dads holding tanks? no onw wants to pump out someone elses shit. doing projects in the yard and around the house seems like if im not there it would not get done. WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING ALL THAT SHIT WOULD GET DONE JUST DIFFERENTLY AND PROBABLY BETTER WITHOUT ME! FUCKING ASSHOLE CHEATING INSANE BASTARD!

2011-06-07T06:27:00.000-07:00

last night i pulled out the shotgun shells i keep in the drawer under my bed. i held them looked at them realized they were bird shot light loads. not good enough. went to the garage and got the magnum loads one rifeling slug with 18 grains of powder. that would do it. pulled out the gun. all this time its like walking in a dream i now its wrong but im doing it anyway. forgot i put a triger lock on it would have taken another trip to the garage to get the key. put the gun away and went to bed. is a simple triger lock all that stoped me from blowing the back of my head out??????

i put on a good front im at work i just got off the phone with the repait shop about getting the ac fixed on the wife's car

but insede im shaking and terrified going to my dundgen in my head its smelly damp and safe there
i wrote this all down on paper tink ill giv it to the gf see what she thinks of my story my dreams my
INSANITY

orv vacation

2011-05-31T10:02:00.000-07:00

took the boys camping along w dad took the quad my 31 year old dirt bike and frankinninja. rode a lot no injuries per say but did break a piston on the dirtbike.

called the gf a few times as well as the wife

INSANE BASTARD

vacation

2011-05-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

takin dad and the boys camping this weekend long drive. taking the boys off roading.
goin to the gf tonight after work prolly do her

neighbor keeps flooding the road i keep digin it out

doin lots of shit i dont want to do lately dont know why

INSANE BASTARD

O yea my dad liked the porn freeky and akward but

2011-05-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

did the gf last night she got a little o i couldent bust it out.

didnt help that i had did the wife just 4 hours before.

INSANE BASTARD

shaving

2011-05-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

got to the gf house last sunday and lo and behold she shaved her puss ate it like a fat guy goin through a box o twinkies. still kinda gave me stubble burn and she said later that week it was all spotty and sore. least i didnt ask her to so i didnt get blamed. kinda liked it but it looks kinda wierd without hair. ate her again last night a little stubblie but she had a major O .
the wife keeps hers trimed real short and just shaves the sides. she doesnt really like me eating on it anyway.

guess im not getting raptured whatever that was anyway.

INSANE BASTARD

kids old men and porn

2011-05-17T10:41:00.001-07:00

im at the time in my life that im trying to keep my kids from looking at porn on the cpmputer and hafta get my dad a new batch for his dvd player. im at the point with my gf that we ate too much last night to fuck.

got som more zip ties just in case

INSANE BASTARD

70 tv shows

2011-05-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

been watching old 70s tv shows on hulu. seems to me the cars were much much bigger and the womens tits were much much smaller. just an obversation.
still think about offing myself every day

INSANE BASTARD

suicide thoughts again

2011-05-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

they just fill my head its all i can think about today. why? i want to cry all the time. my head is like scrambled eggs undercooked at that.

INSANE BASTARD

porn for old man

2011-05-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

cleaning up som equipment last night and the old man my dad says you know those tapes disks you got me with the new tv last year get me som more will ya. i got him som porn to play on his new dvd player when i took out his old vhs player so now i guess im his porn supply. kinda creepy but if it keeps him happy i guess ill stop by the porn store in the next town over and get him more.

creeped out INSANE BASTARD

ticks

2011-05-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

so i go to the gf last night and we take her dogs for a wolk at the local college. she has a couple of ticks on her bare leggs and i brush them off no big deal right. on the way home het dig nuzzles me and i have a tick behind my ear we get home and i have a tick in my pants and she has one crawl out of her hair. her black dog has a swarm of them on her and the others have several. i help pick ticks for 1/2 hour of 45 min and just hada go. least i didnt f her. she said she was up most of the night with the creepy critters
i keep checking my self today so far so good
dentist appt after work today

INSANE BASTARD

weekend

2011-05-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

didnt go gf on fri. was driving to co workers house to get a rototiller it kind of on the way to the gf house one turn away. the wife decides to come with me and shure enough i turn toward the gf house. i made a quick lie about there being a cycle store that direction and i turned around.
then i got to thinking if i had just kept going droped the wife off athe the gf house and split i could have really started something maybee for the good of all concerned.

instead i went to my co workers and got the rototiller took it "home" and did domestic stuff i guess cant really remember. o worked on the camp site for dads mhome with the youngest boy

saturday i went to my brothers and picked up my dad got him all set up and then went to the banquet with the gf tried to act normal told the wife it was an aa thing. usuall awards stuff and all bull shit got home late after fucking the gf.

Sunday went to church i dont know why. got home and took the wife to the get flower and veg store to put in her gardentilled and had the boys move dirt till it was all flat and ready. went to the gf house and fucked her again

REALLY HATE MYSELF
FUCKING INSANE BASTARD

colds

2011-05-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

coughed u som brown goo yesterday morning this morning i didnt cough untill i got to work.
still takeing conjestion medison havent needed cough drops yet today

Gf naging me to go to Dr as usuall its just a cold im not going to die i could hope but ill pull through. goin to her house after overtime tonight.

did the wife last night when she got home i sat her down and rubbed her feet let her cook dinner so i wouldent give them all colds good meal sometimes she does well

canceling out on bike rideing with my other friend dont feel that good yet

goin to brothers to get dad this saturday.

banquet on sat night

putting in garden for mothers day borrowing co workers rototiller to help with the job

INSANE BASTARD

gettin over my cold

2011-05-03T06:17:00.000-07:00

slowly stuff comming up is still cleat to light yellow so no broncitus... YET

gf had to teach last night so i went to my house and took it easy

picked up my youngest from drivers training i feel old guess it is at least a feeling?

I hate myself

INSANE BASTARD

mor colds

2011-04-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

fighting another cold seems like i go from cold to cold lately.

went bike riding with a fellow v seems like she just wanted a riding partner. big sigh of reliefe. we rode sloged and pushed our bikes about 7 miles what a total body workout. fun though.

had lunch with the gf i wasent hungry but got to see her and the dogs

dug the washed out neighbors dam a little bit last night drained moste of the huge puddle in front of my house didnt dig much let the h2o do moste of the work

INSANE BASTARD

asbestos

2011-04-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

watching an old TV show about fireman paramedics made in 1973 covering victims with asbestos blankets. guess we didn't know then what we know now about it.

2011-04-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

plucked hair on lip waited 2 days to do but at least it didnt take a month this time

INSANE BASTARD

juggling

2011-04-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

just tossing the 3rd ball in the air WTF

INSANE BASTARD

2011-04-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

what in the fuck am i doing im emailing a fellow voulenteer to arange a bike ride and later on charity race with her. thats right with her! am i fucking nuts i dont know how to get rid of my current girlfriend and im aranging a date with another. hope i dont end up fucking her as well life is complicated enough.

INSANE BASTARD

crying

2011-04-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

i choke back tears over and over every day. almost anything can set me off programs about soldiers coming home to pictures of kittens playing

INSANE BASTARD

2011-04-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

needless to say i didnt do it. bought strawberry wine 3.99 and went to the gf house. didnt do much but eat and fuck. when i got to my garage i put the wine away ate a bowl of cerial and huged the wife to sleep. just could not do it i guess hate self

dumb ass INSANE BASTARD

2011-04-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

eating healthy fruit and yougurt seems like a waste if im going to kill myself later on. dont wana die really just dont no what elst to do? dought if ill really go through with it anyway. snowed in today so i cant go and get the wine like i was going to guell ill go after work INSANE BASTARD

15 years sober

2011-04-18T04:06:00.000-07:00

15 years ago today i was arrested for dui. i had a blood alcohol level of .41 roadside and was officially charged with a .38. i was kept in the drunk tank until after i saw a Dr at the jail cause i was so drunk. i came out of there defeated and down. i went through an outpatient rehab program went to AA for several years and have managed to remain alcohol free. I WANT TO CHANGE THAT TONIGHT AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND PASS OUT IN MY GARAGE WITH ALL MY MOTORCYCLES RUNNING. INSANE SUICIDAL BASTARD

thoughts

2011-04-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

watching a 1974 show where a women commited suicide and the last she wanted to live. 3 days till the 15th will i do it. prolly not but i need to hold on to the idea i could. guess thats y i carry around a band tie every place i go. feeling sick gota cold tisticled feeling better. supost to go gf house t night. INSANE BASTARD

wifes birthday

2011-04-13T06:09:00.000-07:00

ran around last night gettin stuff for the wife bday cards flowers ice creem cake. then came back to take her out to dinner "chineese "enjoydinner" then took her shoe shopping so she would stop wearing her ragid old sneekers managed to get her to take 5 pair had a lot ot fun trying them on having the sales girl looking stuff we laugh a lot together. got back to the house and had cake poened cards made her cry with the sappy one i picked. i showered while she helped the oldest boy w home work. Gave her a big O pumepd her a few times busted a nut and went to sleep. she shure looks good naked feeling down and hatefull today after all that acting yeaterday at leas t my coworkers are all off today 5 days INSANANE BASTARD

2011-04-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

was listening to firework by katy perry and the line "your an original you cannot be replaced" made me cry yet again. and re think this whole suicide plan i have. got 6 days to myll it over and over and over spinning spining spining in my head INSANE BASTARD

2011-04-11T11:05:00.001-07:00

spent fri and sat with the gf went to hell took her out to dinner indian fufked her a few times hate myself INSANE BASTARD 7 DAYS LEFT

birthday

2011-04-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

its the gf b day again givin her a dirty weekend still counting down to whwn i can off myself comming up soon i think. the thought makes my blood run cold. cold as death i see no other choise end it before im found out. when i see myself in the mirror i think how ugly i am ugly cheating insane bastard 10 days. think ill really do it? doughtfull but ya never know INSANE BASTARD can taste the vodka in the back of my mouth today. i think a cheep wine would work better though death death DEATH KILL KILL KILL FUCKING DO IT DUMBASSBASTARD

weekend

2011-04-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

felt like shit sunday couldent even open an asprin bottle. guess what the kids had finally cought up with me. dont really feel up to par today had crackers and soda and kept it down so far. did the wife in the morning and then worked around the house on saturday and watched tv with the fam in eve did movie night on fri went to gf house on thursday usuall stuff. nuts cleared up

the best O

2011-03-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

the other night i had the best inside vagina orgasm i have ever had. relaxed didn't worry about noises i made just let it happen. the gf sucked me well and i licked her to a good o and then i had the bes mind numbing gazem ever. don't say much for my marriage sex does it? think i got the eppididmitis again since Monday think about offing myself daily still STUPID INSANE BASTARD

colds

2011-03-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

got a nother cold always feels like im always comming down with a cold but really only had one this past winter bad one but only one. so far thid id jes a hed cod.

hill is closed got a fellow voulenteer wants to go biking this summer. i ben putten off her emails cause i dont want to fuck up her marriage as well by getting involved with her. but check my mail lots more lately looking for mailings from her

head spining and stuffed up

INSANE BASTARD

cowered

2011-03-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

i know im a cowered last night i had booze less than 10feet away from me and plenty of band ties. swaping texts with subu keepin it simple tho. carbon monixide would look like an accident. start all the bikes up and pass out from drink. likein this idea even better accually.
INSANE BASTARD

the secrete

2011-03-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

watched a dvd about the secrete the other day. only thing i have ta do is think about it and it will happen. i keep thing about who gets the dog and they put it in a room and open the door and let the dog choose. i would cower in the back not come out not, choose that's what i am doing over and over and over the door is open and and and well choose one for fuck sake. wright or wrong.
i love them both
will my marriage survive if i loose the gf?
will the relationship i have with the gf survive if i leave the wife?
will i survive all of this
still thing offing myself is a better option the boys will miss me but they will get over it eventually.
INSANE BASTARD

weekend update

2011-03-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Fri went to gf house ran errands took woofs inc phone store DQ on way got subway took forever back to house watched idle hate that fucking show showered and fucked. left bout midnight.

sat up for first runs at the hill met up with a friend to board with(really wanna fuck her as well) stayed till snow got crappy and sun went behind clouds. went home helped fold clothes and napped. went to volunteer gig at night with gf it went pretty well snow was good. back at her house we had a shower i ate eer till she screamed and got good a good nut off myself. left bout 1 turned clocks forward at house and fell in bed at 3.

sun up for church with the wife yea church wtf. went to the hill to meet my bro and his kids put them in a lesson cause i was tired and couldn't deal with them and they did well and were skiing all over by the time they were done had to bolt at 1pm to volunteer thing and pick the gf on the way. did our shift and closed down put things away. back to her house for a cobbler desert and som impromptu fucking with the idea of showering but we slept i held her wrapped in my arms like she likes so much and got the fuck outs a there by 10.

Monday tired as fuck but rode the bike to work gotta nap at break time feeling kinda normal now the coffee buzz is worn off and i had a sammich

don't know what ill do tonight

INSANE BASTARD

remembering

2011-03-11T07:35:00.000-08:00

having the same thoughts as when i was 17 dosent matter what i do now cause ima be dead ina month. there is one last chance for me to give blood here at work before i go. at least i can do that right.

gettin careless

2011-03-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

last night i was taking the kid to scouts and forgot my phone on the bed. Not a problem you say well if the gf should have texted me all the wife would have to do is look at it. and the jig would be up. kind wished it would be and then we could all move on. but the wife who i think is turning a blind eye anyway would not do that. still when i got home there was a text 'night night precious" how the fuck would i explain that. fuckit if it happens it happens. still plannin to off myself with drink and band ties on the 15th of april. if the voices in my head dont talk me into it first
INSANE BASTARD

hate and self loathing

2011-03-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

i hate myself if i had a gun in my hands right i would not finish this sentence ..... but i dont im on lunch at work hate myself and everything i do.
INSANE BASTARD

insanity

2011-03-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results
thats me
INSANE BASTARD

2011-03-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

did the wife last night. guilt guilt guilt.... didnt do much else
INSANE BASTARD

nerviousness

2011-02-28T08:37:00.000-08:00

get highly ancius and nervious panic attacks about my plan. Hopefully ill work through it all before the time comes and can go through with it. Still right now i wana hurl. at least im feeling more than hate anger and remorse all the time. Should i leave a note?

INSANE BASTARD

2011-02-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

didnt ride today first week i have not had a chance to ride this winter

knowing what i am doing having a plan has lifted some weight of me. knowing it all will be over soon....
INSANE BASTARD

relapsing and suicide

2011-02-25T05:56:00.000-08:00

i have hatched a plan for exiting this world. my 15 year of sobriety is coming up in April. i will check into a motel local cheap one buy enough alcohol to tip me well past lucid thoughts but not enough to pass out completely. put a band tie around my neck and pull tight. the simple plans are always the best.

INSANE BASTARD

dirty weekend

2011-02-23T08:26:00.000-08:00

took 1/2 day on friday mooved a bunch of shit for the gf so she could clean behind them washer dryer stove ice box. went to DQ for unessary callories made a dentist appt for her (she later canceled it) phone store walked her dogs. she did make me a nice dinner that almoste burned while she took for ever to gazem multipul times while i et her puss and fucked her. we do still have really good sex. Extra note zirtec does not = good orgasam. we showered packed anddebated driving 3 hours to go skiing next day.

slept fitfully zirtec hampers my pee stream

loaded car while she walked dogs drove in clear sky and dry pavement cold and windy when we arrived snow was grommed very well and we kissed and hugged all over the hill got som soup for lunch and i treated her very well and looked at her loveingly all day. we had a jacuzee bath tub in the room so we bathed and got all warmed up. went to resaraunt for dinner good food gassed up and drove home. spent night with her again. called wife and told her more lies her i was staying over a . Gf said "how did i ger so lucky to get a wonderfull lover like you" so back to bed for more lickin fucking and cuddlin.

left gf house bout 8 am after pancakes.

got to my house didnt feel guilty didnt feel at all really. got dressed and went to church with the family. back home helped the boy with his ww2 airplain project. and left for my voulenteer thing.

picked up the gf and went to ... did 4 hours nothing much happened. started to snow didnt want much at the gf house but a shower and som pie. got it but not the way i wanted. gf fucking around with this and that so i ate my pie and waited for her to get ready to shower. how fucking long does it to take to get ready to take a shower? for fuck sake i could have shit showered shaved and be on the couch while waiting for her to get ready. guess thats all part of my reservation about her is everything must revolve around her her dogs her her her... she is my princess after all we fucked and cuddled and she did my laundry. we had a misunderstanding while she was folding she asked me if i needed a bag? i said i would get one ina minute and was standing there naked except for socks cause her floors are freezing. she went in the garage i thought to get me a bag i wait for a min or 5 and she finally comes back in bagless after shoveling her fucking drive way. she is a freek about snow on her drive she hasta shovel it 8 times every snow fall caude its "easyer in small layers" i can understand that and she thought i was getting dressed but really who goes out in a robe to do there drive when its 11 fucking windy degrees. we got it sorted out but not before i told her that its ok for her to do her drive any way she wants but she is a freek and not to expect others to understand her logic about it.

next day it has snowed 12 inches so i stayed in bed did the wife make waffels for everyone and we went to the ski hill. more like forced them to the hill but whatever it was good. did som running around to get shit for the kids airplane project. came down with a headache took a nap didnt feel better till much later in the evening.

went to work tuesday had off site training borring boring boring as usuall. im no teacher but i can do better than "read the book answer the worksheets and take this test at the end. got off about noon and went home. wife called on way to say she was home depot and did i need anything? i didnt.

you would think after fucking fri sat sun and mon i would have had enough but no i pulled up youporn and beat off. erased the browzer history and took a nap till they got home . offered to take everone to hill again nice and sunny and warm out but no one wanted to go. so i fucked off did som sewing on my bibs and told her i was goint to training at 7pm. wife and i slept and cuddled till it was time for me to go. took my soup, kind of a fish chowder stew it was very good, to go as we both lost track of time. had a good time at training the instructor got me outa my comfort zone but i never fell

now im back at work on break trying to dispatch the voices in my head about last weekends failures.

INSANE BASTARD

guilt

2011-02-17T08:52:00.000-08:00

guilt guilty guilty GUILTY GUILTY
guilty fucking cheating bastard
shotgun motorcycle carbon monoxide zip ties what the fuck is wrong with use any of them to off yourself gutless insane cheating bastard
INSANE BASTARD

vacation

2011-02-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

takin the gf skiing this weekend dirty weekend
kill kill kill yourself DONT DO IT!!!! better to end your life that continu the insanity
INSANE BASTARD

tired insane bastard

2011-02-15T09:58:00.001-08:00

tired tired tired
INSANE BASTARD

to summerize the weekend

2011-02-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

fri went to gf lots of errands washed her car walk dogs fucked
sat ski w wife in am washed her truck nap ski w gf pm too tired to f
sun church renew vows w wife in am ski w gf pm ate her to O fucked
back to work monday
INSANE BASTARD

2011-02-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

watched the scene in mad max where the toe cutter get run over with the semi during lunch over and over and over 50 + times slow fast at one time it was the scene that saved me from killing myself when i was a teen. not it serves as motivation to run up i75 and throw myself under a semi as a sure way of offing myself.

dark thoughts today
INSANITY RULES MY HEAD
BASTARD

2011-02-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

rode the carving board last night for about 5 hours did well aka didn't fall.
called the gf durning and on way back to house
tried to get wife and kids out as snow was good but no luck.
not much out of the ordinary at the weekend
INSANE BASTARD