im a bastard and i cant spell

Thursday, May 08, 2008

i dont sleep. I lay in our marital bed wife happly snuggled into my arms purring softly. face to face with her i forget everything (everyone) else and im "with her" but now after making love my skin cralls i cant stand being in my own body. how can i do this to her? how can i lay here and let her believe everything is fine. I get out of bed there is alcohol in the house but its hers and that would make relapsing even worse. I think about drinking all the time The same ol thoughts come back over and over you were not that bad, i can handle it now, i know more now and it will be different. BULLSHIT! my last drunk driving i had a B.A.L. of .39 normal people pass out at about .12 or so. Im told that .40 is deadly if only i coulda had one more drink 12 years ago it would have pushed me over the edge.
the rest of the week i have been in a fog zombie like people ask me if im alright and i snap to and act allright but its just an act. when i cant sleep i dont do anything productive just watch old reruns of CSI. trying to figure out how to off myself in an undectable mannor or maybe its just fasination with death right now?
took the gf out last sat night the conversation turned to vacations this summer. MIND LOCK UP! how in the hell do you make plans for vacation? They asked if i was allright and commented how "fridged the table was at our end" of course it is its out of the normal routeen its days of being away from the family not just long hours AAAAAAAAH. cant even remember what the food was like there was gambling for prizes but we left before all that cause the gf wanted me home for hug time the all inclusive and ever important fucking HUG TIME!
There is a cell in my mind its low dark and foul im going to go and shackel myself there now.


Blogger Diane Vogel Ferri said...

you're in a depression - I know - I've been there. Maybe you should find someone to help you. It works.

12:05 PM  

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