update

well birthdays are over and back to somewhat routeen except i got away from the gf the last 2 times without f-ing her saying i was tired and we could just hug guess im just so tired of it all i just dont wanta fuck anymore.

wife went on a retreet at our church this past weekend she was running it this year and she spent months planning it and all that kind of stuff to make sure it went well. Last year i went Sunday in the afternoon to the finally they had at the end. Because i recieved an invitation in the mail an e-mail asking me to come and wright a letter of why i love her or some such shit and a phonecall conferming i would be there. this year i get a tearfull call asking if the boys and i are alright cause we werent there. CAUSE NO ONE TOLD ME TO BE ANYWHERE NEER THE CHURCH THIS YEAR AT 4PM. i guess i was supost to remember the time to be there and all the other details from the year before when it was her initiation into this cult like club within the church. HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPOST TO FUCKING KNOW!

made dinnerthen went to th gf house she took me right to bed and sucked me a little but i told her we could just hug. did that till 10pm or so and went back to my house ate a sandwitch sorted a weeks worth of my dads meds and went to bed to toss and turn for hours till sleep came.

the spirols in my head spin out of control. to many to count anymore so i hide in my safe dark gray pit of despare. it is safe here no feelings no anything but the gray nothing.

INSANE BASTARD