im a bastard and i cant spell

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

crazy crazy crazy my life is now just as crazy as my head. running forwards and back to the hospital and dads house. cant seem to sleep without sleeping tabs. work is slowing down and there will probably be a layoff soon School is starting again so at least the wife is back to work to bring in som money as well.
got a tex from the gf that she would like me to help pull a stump with my truck sunday night. she is getting her drive paved and had been talking about how much it would cost to have it done. so being the helpful idiot i am i packed up a chain and shovel and went to help. her son was supost to be there so i thought it would be safe just shovel pull the stump and be done. yea right.
her son did not show and i before i realized it the stump was at the curb and we were in bed.
I realized later that i am truly an addict in more ways than alcohaul i am addicted to my gf in much the same way. Just like drinking i know its / she is bad for me and my family life. I put down the bottle 12+ years ago never relapsed and am gratefull to God and AA for giving me a life. why in hell cant i do the same with her? i follow the same patterns as drinking. seeing her resolving that this will be the last time and then quit for a few days only to go on a sex bender with her. and its not that the sex is not good with the wife we made beautiful love earlyer that day.
BASTARD seems too mild a term for me anymore but im just 2 dumb to think of another work for me looking in the mirror anymore makes me want to vomit. better go do som work before i start prattling on about killing myself which ill never have the guts to do anyway.


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