crazy crazy crazy my life is now just as crazy as my head. running forwards and back to the hospital and dads house. cant seem to sleep without sleeping tabs. work is slowing down and there will probably be a layoff soon School is starting again so at least the wife is back to work to bring in som money as well.
got a tex from the gf that she would like me to help pull a stump with my truck sunday night. she is getting her drive paved and had been talking about how much it would cost to have it done. so being the helpful idiot i am i packed up a chain and shovel and went to help. her son was supost to be there so i thought it would be safe just shovel pull the stump and be done. yea right.
her son did not show and i before i realized it the stump was at the curb and we were in bed.
I realized later that i am truly an addict in more ways than alcohaul i am addicted to my gf in much the same way. Just like drinking i know its / she is bad for me and my family life. I put down the bottle 12+ years ago never relapsed and am gratefull to God and AA for giving me a life. why in hell cant i do the same with her? i follow the same patterns as drinking. seeing her resolving that this will be the last time and then quit for a few days only to go on a sex bender with her. and its not that the sex is not good with the wife we made beautiful love earlyer that day.
BASTARD seems too mild a term for me anymore but im just 2 dumb to think of another work for me looking in the mirror anymore makes me want to vomit. better go do som work before i start prattling on about killing myself which ill never have the guts to do anyway.

went to see dad at hosp last night he is doing a little better when he smiles you can see whats left of his teeth and its a lot more symetrical. he is kinda crabby but i guess i would be too
could have taught at a first aid class and seen the gf but was just too f-ing tired to deal with either. so i text her and blew her off yet again.
got home and had som work to do on the motorcycle the wife fixed up the leftovers from sunday night and the boy wanted to play badminton as a family. i started to say i was really tired and.....
but i told him we would eat and have a quick game after dinner. I hadent even planned on eating but i did and we played for an hour or so i showered with the wife took 2 sleeping tabs and passed out.
BASTARD

took the boys on a long weekend vacation, cabin in the woods canoeing boating motorcycles gocarts fishing campfires shotguns pistols rifels and lots and lots of good food how could they not have a good time.
got back sunday afternoon and loaded up to go to the wifes inlaws about 13 hours away for the week. talked to my 75 year old dad and it sounded like he had a cold again. He said he was going to the Dr in the morning so i figured all was going to be ok. turns out he was having a series of strokes and was admited to the hospital as soon as he got to the Dr. I rode the motorcycle back home and left the wife and kids at the inlaws. He is doing a little better it was 7 small strokes and he should recover but dam do i feel guilty for not going to him on Sunday. the gf has been calling and wanting to know all she askes soooooo many f-ing questions i been blowing her off which is not right either but its all i can do at the moment. wife got home last night. didnt sleep much.
BASTARD

cant seem to stay away my head is going to explode. I got married 20 years ago today. August 6, 1988 seems like such a short time ago. our wedding invitations read
on this day i will marry my best friend the one i laugh with live for love. and i stood in front of not one but two priests and 400 people and said .
I ----- take you ---- to be my lawful wedded wife to have and to hold for better or worse in sickness and in health till death do us part.
and then i slipped a ring on her finger. she has not taken it off since.

and 8 of those years i have been cheeting on her i am such a
BASTARD