im a bastard and i cant spell

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Was just making my bed. Only the second time since she passed. Yuk ! One of the things that frustrated us both was making the bed so she did it mostly. Anyway I saw myself in the mirror and realized that through no decision work or effort of mine I an no longer a cheating asshole of a husband I'm not proud of my past but I'm determined to be good husband to my now gf turned fiancé I gave her the ring. I just want to be a good husband take care of my Princess, do right by my boys and take care of my dad. Just want to be a whole lot less of a INSANE BASTARD and just a regular insane me.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Didn't want to go to the movies and the weather is cold and wet. My dad is here just kinda feeling sorry for myself I guess. My dad just tried to shove so money at me (not nearly enough)to pay for this house we are staying in. Tried to tell him it's all set but he's kinda thick sometimes,guess he's just old and loosing it a bit.  He's a sweet old grouch and a pain in the ass but he's our pain in the ass. Face timed the girlfriend guess she is my fiancĂ© as I asked her to marry me and gave her a ring. I've known her for 14 years now I do think I love her, I'm not really sure what love is but I'm afraid to spend the rest of my life alone. I treat her nice and that feels good so I'll do that and she loves me . So we will be happy. I'll move into her place. I like it. It's small but big enough for the two of us. The boys and my dad will stay . The house is paid off so I'll keep it until they move out or whatever.
I haven't told anyone on this continent yet but I did ask her mum if I could marry her. She says ok . Next winter will be the date of the wedding our "first" date will be soon and I'll "ask" her in the fall at refresher . Don't want to tell my family yet especially the boys out of respect for there late mother. I'm not taking any chances though I want my Princess so I hedged my bet when she went back to visit mum and brother /sister in law, hence the ring and the covert engagement .
My plan is to stay faithful to this one. I never wanted the afair in the first place. Just a lay and blojob. I fell in love though. I really do love her.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Vacation 2014

My sis in law is a ver good cook. She is very fat and kind of a very fat bitch. I'm trying to get along with her better and she seems to be trying to be nicer but somtimes she spits venom and she is a total control freek. Gonna have to protect the gf / feonsae from her best I can.
I miss her. My wife is gone and I miss her. I was not a good husband but I still miss her. Vacations eating out like we did tonight are different and I miss her her smile her bright blue eyes her laugh her love of sports her way with people her faith in God her touch her sent her presents.
I just miss her
Crying now

Saturday, June 21, 2014


On vacation with my brother and his family.brought dad along too. Nice house on the lake good dinner . I cried when the sun went down over the water. We camped for our 25th anniversary and watched  the sunset. I proposed over a sunset so very long ago.now she is gone. The boys are ok I guess. Not feeling very suicidal lately don't know why
I'm still a fucking insane BASTARD

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

It's been a while since my last post

My wife is dead. On January 00 2014 she was taking out the garbage and her aorta rupshured she had surgery 13 years ago to fix a coarctation and it burst. I did CPR my son called 911 but I knew she was gone. I thought she had fell and snapped her neck but there was no trama other than a small abrasion on her chin. Face down no pulse no resperation look listen feel nothing CPR rescue was on scean within 5 minutes but she was gone just gone.
She had come home from work I had dinner ready we ate we cleaned up ane she was excited to get the garbage out ,excited to take out the garbage, you see we missed the week before and she was happy to get it out.
Dead she is dead just dead
We buried her with full catholic service. She loved her faith I hope she is at peace. She was a good woman , person, Christian and the best wife I didn't deserve.
I miss her she was such a huge part of my life. So many things I've had to do so many things I've done. Just one day at a time.

The boys are doing as well as can be expected I guess we don't really talk that much. They still go to church. I haven't been Ina a while. There is a widow there who is I think has set her cap toward me. Not really hitting on me but I can almost feel her desperation. Maybe I'm reading her all wrong I'm kinda stupid that way. Then chick at work was hitting me though. Smoker drinker and batshit crazy so while faltering no just no.

The gf. Still loves me even though
I'm still a
FUCKING insane Bastard!