spent the last 2 days in class for work kinda boring but i can drive a fork lift now and know how to lift things erganomicly (even if i cant spell it)
did get the afternoon off yesterday so i went and took the gf to lunch course she fucked me while i was there. do i really love her or just like fucking the sex is great kinda like porn movie sex without the faking.
then i go to my house and face the wife and boy guilty BASTARD GUILTY BASTARD GUILTY BASTARD
my dad listed his house for sale we went there and got his guns now i have lots of things to shoot myself with think i would still stick with the shotgun tho. got loads that would blow the back of my head out for sure one barrel...never have the guts to do it.
found an old address book the other day lots of people in i have not talked to in years suprized how many are dead
lots of death on tv latly deadly catch, 1000 ways to die, jessy is a dead man, deadly police chases lots of death
well lunch is over and i gota get t work glad to have a job still should go and check myself into the hospital for suicide watch but i wont. maybee i'll get lucky and get creamed by a semi in the construction zone tday.
BASTARD

took the boys off roading yesterday. alomost 300 acres 1 truck 1 motorcycle 1 quad. we had a lot of fun and did not break anything man or machine. got home washed everything including powerwashing the youngest boys clothes cause he for verrrrry muddy. called the Gf to say gdnite and lied i was just going t bed. just after i showered the wife called me into the bedroom (que 'da da dunt da daa' here) wondered if my winki would even still work im surprized it did with all the guilt it carries, after the deed the shock wore off and we had a nice cuddle.
what a flaming
BASTARD i am

had monday off. thought the day was going to start off shitty when i couldent bust a nut in the wife but it still felt good to bee close to her andall she had a powerful O and we still got up in time to go downtown to the musieum we were planning on with the family it was a real good time. i got away witout thinking of how bad im fucking up my hole life. a little hassle at the begining and i really had to supress the manic side that said fuck it we are going home but i did and it turned out well and all had a good time evven my dad we pushed him in a chair all day so he didnt hafta walk he said he had a good time so i guess he did.
taking the boys off roading tomoro chance of rain but a little mud never hurt.
the gf is working all week so she is buisy and off my case about seeing her.
i keep thinking i have 2 real good things going right now and only can keep one.
wife and kids ?
gf and ??? what what am i searching for with her?
i do know if i leave the wife for the gf i will hate her and resent her for the life i will walk away from
i dont mind the family life so much i kinda hate them too for what???
EITHER WAY i HATE MYSELF FOR THE THINGS i HAVE DONE!
BASTARD

i have just spent the weekend with the gf at her house pretending to have a good time with her.she is very happy and says "ive had such a nice time with you. thank you so much for spending the weekend with me" i went to work today and am going back there to collect my boat truck load up the motorcycle and all the stuff i brought to show her a good time. glad she enjoyed i know she will feel horrible when i leave and she will get all pissy about me leaving early too early.

me i have to contend with the guilt of going back to my house and facing my wife and children im sure they will be happy to see and ill act all happy to see them too

i dont rellly feel anything anymore just want it all to end
BASTARD