i put a pickle in my wifes lunch yesterday along with a sappy poem about her being pretty. she has been puffy all week cause of the poison ivy but she is getting better i also stoped by lovers lane and got the her a verrrrrry sexy little number to ware when she finally gets over the poison ivy.

workin tday goin t the gf house after to ride bikes. she wants to go to the movies later. i think its mu inherent cheepness but i cant stand spending $20 to be semi entertained for 2 hours maybee its just i cant sit still for that long? I did take the boys to see Iron man. that was worth it to me. in fact it held me captive the whole time. but the gf wants to see a "romantic comedy" ill end up taking her and not complain but it sucks the only thing ill do about it bitch about it here.

doin a relay for life walk for cancer sunday morning. the wido next door puts it together every year and i walk durring the small hours 2am till 4 i think this year. i think the holw thing is kinda stupid i would rather just give them som money but ill walk anyway cause its quiet at that time and if i dont take a lot of sleeping pills i dont sleep anyway.

I still think im a bastard for what im doing to my wife children and girlfriend but i cant seem to stop it. it all goes around and around in my head all the time questions answers dismissing answers starting to pray for guidence and getting it all mixed up and round and round it goes. Ill snap one day and drink or worse it will all come to a bad ending cause thats the only way i can see it in my head cause im a
BASTARD

im still an idiot but now i have a still leaking motorcycle its going back to the shop later on.
had dinner with my dad last night and cut his lawn.
got home in time to help take a borrowed trailer back. took a shower with the wife first time since the poison ivy started she still looks hot naked still bleeding som though so i tossed off in the bathroom later that night.
gf wined that her phone battery was going dead and that she "would haft to disconnect" she actually sounded sad and dissapointed. WE WERE ON THE PHONE FOR 5 FUCKING HOURS FERCHRISTSAKE. she says she just likes being on the phone with me. i cant figure out why i dont say much to her or my coworkers. dont know why i ever let it get this far.

BASTARD called james

i am an idiot!
james the BASTARD

guess im kinda like the kid sitting in a room full of toys and cant play with any of them for fear of breaking them. dont wana see anywon get hurt in all this trouble is i let it get so far that now only pain can come from it all.
I had a drink in my hand this weekend...... didnt drink it but wanted to dont know why i didnt.
did take som time on friday and hid out at my dads while he was gone talked to his cat a lot didnt get any answers, guess thats a good thing.

it kinda feels like my sanity is slipping away slowly and i cant seem to do a thing about it. Eve here at work things feel strange. i can still do my job fairly well but im working alone lately and i have been building trucks for a long time now so i guess im just acting the part here now too.

i watch death videos on my break times and murder shows late at night. wierd thing is i was riding the other nighy and i could have let myself get hit by a truck but i did everything i could to avoid it. keep telling myself it was because i was riding somone elses bike and i didnt want to damage it. but it makes me wonder... do i wana die or just escape it all and thats the only way i can think to resolve my situtation. gota get back to work
james

ive got 4 days off and everybody i know wants a piece of my time. How do i say no just leve me alone cause if i do say that, open the flood gates much much more will come out and everywone will be hurt. wanna drink and forget them all, wanna drink and die.
BASTARD

snapped at the gf to day on the phone she always asks me if im mad at her if there is the slighest hint of irritation in my voice. i guess som of its left over from yesterday when i told her my phone battery was going dead and she said oooooo noo! like it was the end of the fucking world. and i said "come on sweetheart your due in class in less than 5 min anyway and you make it sound like its the end of the world" her reply was the usuall "but i just like being on the phone with you thats all i dont mean to make you feel bad". it does though it adds a lot of pressure to me knowing her world seems to relove around me. she told me she would try and not saythings like that anymore and she would do better. so it starts! things that cant be talked about like in my marrage there are lots and lots of things "we" dont talk about and now in an unconchous way im doing it to my girl friend as well. im not doing it on purpose but slowly ill narrow it down to not having much to talk about at all. I think i need help, but helping myself is the hardest thing i could ever do.
BASTARD

I have friday and monday off... didnt remember really till the gf asked me if i had the time off and it never fails she starts wanting to know when ill be over so she can plan her time annt blame her really she likes to plan stuff out so shes not sitting around waiting for me. dont know what the fuck she expects she is dating a married man with children. dont really wana do any time with anybody this weekend.
what i really want to do is buy a huge amount on liquor and stay passed out most of the weekend.
i keep dreaming of shooting myself in the head various angles and calibers but the result is the same i wake up in a cold sweat. good thing i dont own a gun?
to top it all off my bike is dropping oil like it had diarea. so back to the shop it goes.

BASTARD

so im saying goodby to the wife this morning and just as i say I love You. the gf calls and of course i have my headset is in and it automaticly answers so she hears I love You as well.

Saying i love you to both women at the same time is the ultimate in betrayal i think.

I thought my heart was going to stop felt like it did for a second or two, wish it had really. Topped out the speedo on the bike this morning 140mph+ the freeway was nearly empty and well i was just ina kinda death take me mood i guess. on the plus side i got to work on time.

Think God is watching out for me even if i havent talked to him for a while?

think im still a
BASTARD

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ate a twinki for lunch. will not be doing that again for a very long time.

far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt

far beit for me to contradict a great president. but... I long for the gray world of my past i yern for it. o to be engulfed in the gray nothingness again, to not feel to never smile never cry. Im going there now as sure as a moth is drawn to flame im going there. I have fought my way back from depression 2 other times with help and determination susceded to a point i guess. I was younger and stronger not now though i havent the strength or maybee not the will. I have lost hope if i every really had any to begin with.
bastard

far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to

i dont sleep. I lay in our marital bed wife happly snuggled into my arms purring softly. face to face with her i forget everything (everyone) else and im "with her" but now after making love my skin cralls i cant stand being in my own body. how can i do this to her? how can i lay here and let her believe everything is fine. I get out of bed there is alcohol in the house but its hers and that would make relapsing even worse. I think about drinking all the time The same ol thoughts come back over and over you were not that bad, i can handle it now, i know more now and it will be different. BULLSHIT! my last drunk driving i had a B.A.L. of .39 normal people pass out at about .12 or so. Im told that .40 is deadly if only i coulda had one more drink 12 years ago it would have pushed me over the edge.
the rest of the week i have been in a fog zombie like people ask me if im alright and i snap to and act allright but its just an act. when i cant sleep i dont do anything productive just watch old reruns of CSI. trying to figure out how to off myself in an undectable mannor or maybe its just fasination with death right now?
took the gf out last sat night the conversation turned to vacations this summer. MIND LOCK UP! how in the hell do you make plans for vacation? They asked if i was allright and commented how "fridged the table was at our end" of course it is its out of the normal routeen its days of being away from the family not just long hours AAAAAAAAH. cant even remember what the food was like there was gambling for prizes but we left before all that cause the gf wanted me home for hug time the all inclusive and ever important fucking HUG TIME!
There is a cell in my mind its low dark and foul im going to go and shackel myself there now.
BASTARD

Saturday and im working to day at least it gets me out of the house. Told the wife i have a motorcycle thing in the afternoon evening so i wont be home till late. Im really going to a bankwit every year for the organization i voulenteer for and the gf wants to go. I stood her up last year and i have been hearing obout it ever since so its just easyr to take her this year and shut her up. there will be the 3 ds dancing dinner and drinks and the usuall mundain conversation. ill go and act like im having a good time and she will probably f---me me as soon as we get back to her house. im really... nervice? nervase? worried about going.
BASTARD

not too much happening today i finally got the engineers out of my stall so i can get on with the job of building trucks . last night i picked up my cycle from the shop and had a nice visit with my dad. got home intime for dinner and helped the kids with homework. took som sleeping pills but i think im getting uste to them as 3 wont knock me out anymore i just wake up feeling tired and kinda hungover. no girlfirend tonight she is still in school and the wife is going out so im going to watch movies with the boys and fall asleep on the couch. thats the plan anyway.
BASTARD

Work is fricken crazy todayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah