christmas 2011

thinking about taking the boys down to see my dad after christmas. leaving the wife here. yea like thats gona happen maybee ill just tell the gf that and take the week off from her. yea i am that bastard.

ski hill are crap

rode the big bike to work

they offered us at work today that we can come in an hour early so we can leave an hour early.
WTF! ok appreciate the offer but i already get up at 5am i dont want to get up at 4 just to get to the gf house an hour earlier.

went to the funeral of an old coworker yesterday 58 he was. lots of my old coworkers havent made it to 60. ???????

saw chris stanton at the auto parts he invited me to a lunch christmas party at the local bar. pass but at least he hastnt changed much in 20 years older fatter but still the same guy holding the same ideals as always cars garage drinking ect.

INSANE BASTARD

weekend update

fri gf house made her a very nice dinner. i was throwing gall stones around from a yogurt and banana of all things so i didnt eat. didnt even fuck just layed around.

saturday i took the fam skiing but conditions were crap so we didnt stay long ran errands. went "home" had a very light lunch and did som fucking. put a master cylinder on her truck good brakes now. went to other hill with the gf where conditions were ok. went back to her house and didnt f too tired.

Sunday church and then to hill made a few runs and went to get gf. made soup from a packet mix and ham it was good filling and pretty cost effictive. went back to gf house and showered and read and fucked.

INSANE BASTARD

band tie

put the band tie around my neck last night and pulled it. i had it on the sip side so it didnt really tighten gutless bastard that i am. thought it might ruin christmas for the kids as well. the fear and reality in my eyes is starting to scare me though. like someday the suicide thoughts are gona win.

still fighting this cold lots of zinc lozenges and zicam

did not do the wife couldent didnt even rub one out in the bathroom . fell asleep and woke up gasping for air 3 times last night i think im allergic to the tree as well as the cat

INSANE BASTARD

self loathing

not really sure what that means but i think im full of it lately. staying kinda buizy at work lately but not wnough to keep my mind from wandering to drinking and suicide.

bought some cold remidy and zink lossanges cause my co worker has a cold and i do not want it!

prolly gona f the wife tonight

FUCKING INSANE BASTARD

scared my self

i was back at my house yesterday sunday packing up for an outing with the fam and voulenteer gig. when i had the bigest urge to pick up the shot gun and shoot myself. i noted where the gun was and where the shells were. i ran from the room and cryed myself sick. think the only thing i think saved me was i remembered there is a triger lock on the gun and the key is double locked in the garrage. scared me tho the urge was as strong at my old drinking urges

did not drink last thursday. remembered i was to take the boys out to dinner for getting good grades. went for pizza anw we went to church

friday did the gf thing
saturday slept in and then went skiing in the afternoon.

INSANE BASTARD

gona drink

think ill just drink instead everybody is kinda if expecting that. its just a very slow form of suicide. my last drunk i blew a .41 the Dr at the jail said thats leithel. proved her wrong but there hasta be a leithel limit and damit im gona find it.

INSANE BASTARD

at the risk of something... dont know what im going to post for the record im feeling a little better lately not coughing as much and needing my inhaler less. the only thin im doing different is gargaling when i brush my teeth. i read that someware. so im trying it. as the saying goes i'd piss on a sparkplug if i thought it would do any good

on the inside though i still think about killing my self everyday

i went to the gf yeaterday after work we ran som errands and ate som dinner and fucked our brains out.

insane part is i came up with the idea for celerating our 25 wedding anniversary with the wife made a list of things to do and everything

INSANE BASTARD

friday went to the gf and did her took soup for dinner and she read from the piano book
no skiing yet
slept in till 10 saturday did the wife and cleaned the garage

sunday went to church with the fam. it dont fall down when i walk in but it prolly should

puttered and got ready to ski on sunday
o yea put a ham in the slo cooker for dinner and the wife got all pissy couse she wanted to get 3 meals out of it and i put the whole thing in wtf when i cook she does not have to so why would she bitch about boiling up ham we eat what what we want and refer the rest its that simple. i told her if she keeps it ill just stop cooking altogether.

sunday went to the gf late masaged her and had a really good O

INSANE BASTARD

rode the bike today hope it starts at lunch time. brought stuff to change plugs just in case.

got a call from my dads insurance yesterday clearing up the incident while going to FL.

then i talked to my dad (fuck) he had bought a new microwave cause his old one quit. but the new one didnt work either. i said "go flip the switch foron Dryer to Microwave" what he said, o shit dammit i forgot to do that again ged dammit i guess i'll put this new one in the box and bring to you guys in the spring. why not return it to the store? naa fuckt ill keep it it was only 60. not sure really if i should keep him down there but my brother is going down at the end of the month to check on him.

INSANE BASTARD

skipping right past wanting to drink today to just thoughts of putting a 1911 pistol to my temple and pulling the trigger. the boy talked about painting this next summer with the shotgun and an old sheet. wonder how brain and blood would paint a sheet.

im scaring the fuck out of myself right now

INSANE BASTARD