tomoro is my last day at this part of my job should find out where ill go next. i keep passing the pawn shop that is having a holliday gun sale
just wana die and escape it all
BASTARD

well the gf gets back tomoro hafta go get her at the airport. at least i have the excuse i gota take the boy to scouts so i cant hang out much.
no motorcycle today rain turning to snow later. ill do my voulenteer thing
im afraid to go out at lunchtime cause this is my old stomping grounds and im afraid ill drink cause thats all i usta do at lunch time in the past. and i really really reeeeeealllllly wana drink and drive everybody outa my life.
BASTARD

the gf left town on vacation as she said goodby i felt a huge weight lift of me not completly cause she is comeing back but at lease for a time the pressure to see her and be with her is off. i even found myself whistling while i was at work today for the first time in years. that should tell me somthing about the relationship i have with her shouldent it?

im working for 1.2 hours pay a day. I could be in the jobs bank sitting at home drawing 85% of my pay but i never thought the j bank was right or good business but wtf do i know. So voulenteered to come back to work . i just want the company i work for to stay in business so i can have a job. they can cut my pay. yes itll hurt but ill get by. just leave me a job please. maybee that makes me Un union but i dont care without a job a union is useless. i have thought about what i would do instead go back to school i already have a degree and held an office job back in the early 90s hated it.
i like working on cars and trucks getting dirty and making things that are broken better.
too bad i cant fix myself
BASTARD

i know im a sick bastard but i do som good drove my dad on all kinds of errans last night and sat while ht visited with som old friends. he seemed happy.
got home to a raging wife who was cleaning and snapping wverybodys head off. i did mention to her when she gets like that that we are all afraid of her cause she looks so pissed off. and i did tell her we are truly gratefull for all she does and we really needed her around to keep us in line and not living in squaller.
cant sleep w/o pills anymore

BASTARD

well didnt get hit by a truck or slid off the road but did hafta wait at the end of the girlfriends street whiile her 22 year old son went out for coffee so i could b put the bike away. she said he is ok with me but i couldent look at him. should make family reunions fun it i wver end up with her. guilty fucking
BASTARD
took my dad out last night while i was on duty so he could get som more people to talk to he talks w the old guys and everybody and seems to have a good time.
BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD IM STILL A F ING BASTARD

life is making less sens than usuall latly
we are going home after my dads camping club christmas party which was boring as fuck and has som of the worst food ive had in a while (and my wife and i are not that great of cooks) but my dad had a good time seeing everybody and he seemed genually happy so all is good right.
i mention to my wife who is driving that we need gas before we get on the freeway. she pulls into a station and has to jocky around for a pump when this dude clips the front of our truck. i get out and it cracked the front bumper facia but no big damage it had a crack in the middle and i was going to replace it in the spring anyway. i look at the other truck and it must have hit on the tire cause there is no damage at all to his truck so its all cool each will say sorry and we both will go on our way right???? but this guy gets out and accuses my wife of hitting him (she was in reverse ) and says that he could not have caused that kind of damage cause if we touched it was on the other side of the vehicle entirely he could not have turned that sharply even if he wanted to . I dont get angry easy but i was now offically pissed and just wanted him to admit hitting us. words were said and well i just took down his plate nuumber and thought we were all going away angry but going away he turns his truck around and points it at the side of mine and says we must move so he can get out (he was pointing out already and had to turn around to do all this . luckly my wife said ill just pull a head so he can go around. women always seem to have cooler heads at just the right time. i do love her


and today i show up to work today and the guy whos job i was working on came in and so im left to move to another stall. its ok i dont mind moving around the shop some guys get all freeky about it but i just roll my tool box and keep working. but now i have no job assignment and my regular boss is gon today and im not sure who im reporting to so im sitting on the computer IN MY WORK AREA and the sub boss comes up and gives me all this where are you supost to be working in a tone like its my fault so i shot back " in this building" so she calls up the regular boss and asks what to do with me. she put me in a restricted area to work but says its all ok. i get a vehicle moce my tool box asross the shop and just get to work and the supervisor there tells me i cant work here. i decided to a little stupidity manigment was in order so i told her i was just assigned to this area and told in this stall she gave me an order to move but we only answer to one boss at a time so i told her to see my supervisor. 5 min later my sub boss comes back and tells me to move to a diff stall and work . ok ok no prob. then she asks if the 12 to 14 hour job will be done today with 3 hours left. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaa. im sorry but she is just a stupid.... well i guess she kind of thrown into it without a lesson plan so to speek so ill get to work straight away.

i just dont get it im the only one who can get the repairs on the trucks we are working on done in one day but they move me from stall to stall jacking me around and putting me hell and gon fron the equipment i need fuck fuck fuck
at least i got to ride the motorcycle in 11 degrees and a little icy but dam it felt good (there another feeling) maybee on the way home ill get creemed by a truck.

BASTARD

my wrist is healing well im doing light stuff at work. keep fighting panic every time i pick up a paper or watch the news. I know the auto companies are hurting and all but can the govt. really let general motors fail?
wana check out, leave this world, just die you stupid fucking bastard die already.
BASTARD

cut my wrist yesterday. Im a mechanic so cuts are a pretty comon thing. i usually dont like the sight of my own blood but this time i let it flow freely i watched it drop by drop hit the floor it was the first time in months i have felt anything. in my training and teaching our mantra is "first stop the bleeding" but the pain was exquizett (really dont know how that spell that one) the pooling blood was hypnotic and tranquil i felt peace. that is till some fucking first responder came up and grabes my arm held it above my head and started yelling call 911. "let go of my arm i dont need an ambulance. just let me have the peace i felt just a few minuits ago. "
Gues i passed out for a while cause i was on a gurny headed to mecical. my arm is fine 12 stitches outside and one on the inside. them arteries can spill a lot of blood. dodged another bullet i guess just by luck. thinking back if i had put my hand and arm in the trans fluis drain bucket that was neer by no one would have notices till it was too late. Trans fluid is red never seem to think that quick though.
better "luck" next time
BASTARD

in still here doing the same thing over and over and over. i cant seem to stop the insanity. the hollidays only make it worse i usta kinda like Christmas now its just stress from thanksgiving on till after the first of the year. I keep thinking about a sawed off shotgun its in the back of my head all the time. i keep telling myself go the the emergency room and tell them that and they will help nice people work at hospitals and like helping people. then the bastard part kicks in and says you deserive your misery and on and on and on
BASTARD