the best O

the other night i had the best inside vagina orgasm i have ever had. relaxed didn't worry about noises i made just let it happen. the gf sucked me well and i licked her to a good o and then i had the bes mind numbing gazem ever. don't say much for my marriage sex does it? think i got the eppididmitis again since Monday think about offing myself daily still STUPID INSANE BASTARD

colds

got a nother cold always feels like im always comming down with a cold but really only had one this past winter bad one but only one. so far thid id jes a hed cod.

hill is closed got a fellow voulenteer wants to go biking this summer. i ben putten off her emails cause i dont want to fuck up her marriage as well by getting involved with her. but check my mail lots more lately looking for mailings from her

head spining and stuffed up

INSANE BASTARD

cowered

i know im a cowered last night i had booze less than 10feet away from me and plenty of band ties. swaping texts with subu keepin it simple tho. carbon monixide would look like an accident. start all the bikes up and pass out from drink. likein this idea even better accually.
INSANE BASTARD

the secrete

watched a dvd about the secrete the other day. only thing i have ta do is think about it and it will happen. i keep thing about who gets the dog and they put it in a room and open the door and let the dog choose. i would cower in the back not come out not, choose that's what i am doing over and over and over the door is open and and and well choose one for fuck sake. wright or wrong.
i love them both
will my marriage survive if i loose the gf?
will the relationship i have with the gf survive if i leave the wife?
will i survive all of this
still thing offing myself is a better option the boys will miss me but they will get over it eventually.
INSANE BASTARD

weekend update

Fri went to gf house ran errands took woofs inc phone store DQ on way got subway took forever back to house watched idle hate that fucking show showered and fucked. left bout midnight.

sat up for first runs at the hill met up with a friend to board with(really wanna fuck her as well) stayed till snow got crappy and sun went behind clouds. went home helped fold clothes and napped. went to volunteer gig at night with gf it went pretty well snow was good. back at her house we had a shower i ate eer till she screamed and got good a good nut off myself. left bout 1 turned clocks forward at house and fell in bed at 3.

sun up for church with the wife yea church wtf. went to the hill to meet my bro and his kids put them in a lesson cause i was tired and couldn't deal with them and they did well and were skiing all over by the time they were done had to bolt at 1pm to volunteer thing and pick the gf on the way. did our shift and closed down put things away. back to her house for a cobbler desert and som impromptu fucking with the idea of showering but we slept i held her wrapped in my arms like she likes so much and got the fuck outs a there by 10.

Monday tired as fuck but rode the bike to work gotta nap at break time feeling kinda normal now the coffee buzz is worn off and i had a sammich

don't know what ill do tonight

INSANE BASTARD

remembering

having the same thoughts as when i was 17 dosent matter what i do now cause ima be dead ina month. there is one last chance for me to give blood here at work before i go. at least i can do that right.

gettin careless

last night i was taking the kid to scouts and forgot my phone on the bed. Not a problem you say well if the gf should have texted me all the wife would have to do is look at it. and the jig would be up. kind wished it would be and then we could all move on. but the wife who i think is turning a blind eye anyway would not do that. still when i got home there was a text 'night night precious" how the fuck would i explain that. fuckit if it happens it happens. still plannin to off myself with drink and band ties on the 15th of april. if the voices in my head dont talk me into it first
INSANE BASTARD

hate and self loathing

i hate myself if i had a gun in my hands right i would not finish this sentence ..... but i dont im on lunch at work hate myself and everything i do.
INSANE BASTARD

insanity

insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results
thats me
INSANE BASTARD

did the wife last night. guilt guilt guilt.... didnt do much else
INSANE BASTARD