im a bastard and i cant spell

Thursday, December 30, 2010

break up letter

You know i love you. I feel i have loved you forever.
Lately i haven't been feeling very well, or at all truth be told. I'm tired stretched thin "like butter scraped over too much toast".
I have realized something and i haven't been able to shake it since ?????
You moved from Rodgers and i have been living with multiple spirols in my head.
Am I your sex toy your handy man your friend
Am I a husband father caregiver
We have been together so long now its like auto pilot just doing no feeling no emotion just gray nothing.
You say i give you your spyke fix like i am a battery charger and you a battery. it is a lot like that only now I'm just drained. I once told you i has enough strength and energy for both of us. I am sorry i was wrong. I'm running out my reservoir all but empty. When it is all gone i will drink. I have no more relapses left. When i drink i will die but drink i will. dieing ever so slowly it is the slowest for of suicide there is. I try and fight the nothing but it takes so much to do so that I'm left with nothing.
I have to go. I have no idea where but i have to be away from... her the boys my dad and you. if i don't i will self destruct and worse you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe my friend.

You are stronger than you think you are. Your gonna be all right Princess you always were

Know that i tried to make it happen tried to be strong enough but I am not.


Monday, December 20, 2010

spent a lot of the weekend with the gf acted nice and loving.

just had lunch with the gf. Her dog ate a dozen or so chocolate chip cookies while we were inside and now shes all worried about it.

she will be gone for 10 days wonder if ill miss her much if at all?

she is already pestering me for text messages


Friday, December 17, 2010

what i am doing for the hollidays

rode the bike to work today

going to the gf today after work
going with the wife and kids to Christmas with in laws tomorrow
gf after
church on Sunday
volunteer Sunday afternoon evening
work on Monday
off the rest of the week till Christmas
working between Christmas and new years

gonna be nice and cheerful to everybody the whole time.

gonna drink myself to death the first of the year giving up on the idea of a band tie still carry several around anyway. but gonna fall back on the Ole standby alcohol to be the end of me.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

POEM about home

we cleared the land and built it, moved in and called it home.
i no longer think of it as home. it is a place i go and act like a husband father and repairman
then i mentaly moved back home to my childhood home where i grew up. we sold that last year.
where is home where your heart is? where is mine?

Thursday, December 09, 2010

suicide thoughts

cant get suicide out of my mind. my latest thought is to gut shoot my self ditch the gun and get on my bike and ride as far as possible till i pass out and die. got the idea from a csi rerun
gota go meeting 25 years award boss wants me to go

Friday, December 03, 2010

3 things i could do

leave the wife and kids and stay with the gf
drop the gf and stay in my marriage
put that plastic tie around my neck and pull it tight

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

sunny sweeney

heard a song by sunny sweeney while i was driving my dad to FL. A table away its called fucked my head up i always look for the gf when im out with the wife and kids even at the airport when the wife picked me up. when will i be found out when will the wife walk up the the gf and me when we are out or vice versa will i be able to get the band tie out in time. will i have the conviction to use it. i put it on daily and pull it tight on the non ratcheting side to get the feel of it i always let go when i start blacking out but it dont take long. nothing anyone carries on them will cut it not sizers not a knife or even moste side cutters it would take the large ones or tin snips to get it off. and in less than 5 minuits. just dont know if i could do it.