still insane

I hate you fucking asshole. Just came from Dr. breathing better than I ever thought I would. Now all I wanna do is choke my air off.
Fucking insane bastard

birthday

I offered to take the wife out to dinner for het b'day but she wanted Chinese take out. It tasted bland . Got her a n iPad she seems to like it can't get the keyboard or mouse to work but I'm sure we will. She seemed to have good day.
Took dad out for haircut toenails trimmed and we showered and shaved him he looks good now not quite as old and used up.
brother and his fam coming over tomorrow
 want to kill myself
fucking insane bastard

waiting

Waiting for my dad to get better
Waiting for wife to get home
Waiting to drink
Waiting to kill myself
Told the gf I'm still trekking back with my dad. Mostly its to avoid the birthday conflict  of wife vs gf 3 days apart.
He is doing a little better i had him to the Dr.and he adjusted his meds to bring up his blood sugar. He has more energy and good appetite. I feel guilty for sitting around but I keep telling myself I'm doing good for my dad and that involves just talking care of him as best I can.
Still get wave after wave of kill yourself feelings. Gotta wait though
Fucking insane bastard

alcohol

Just watched a show about a woman who drank until she was brain dead. Eyes still open still blinking but dead for all intent she's dead. Can't do that gotta make it quick and final when I do get to "pull the trigger"
Fucking insane bastard

day3

He's doing pretty good steadier on his feet made a new pot of coffee after I got back from doing his sheets. He had wet the bed somehow through his depends. At least I had a clean set to put on and get him outs my bed.
Gf is not texting me back.
Wife is picking up my truck at the airport.
My brother left 2 beers in the ice box thinking I wanna drink em and put a strap around my neck. There in the drawer not 6 feet from me. Can't , i know I can't until I train  my son to do what I'm doing for for dad. Gota get him back home first gotta hold on till then I guess.
Fucking
Insane bastard

drinking and suicide

Urging bad to do either or both right now feeling really really insane right now
Called both wife and gf tonight.
I hate myself

yuuuuuck

Dads doing well enough to make coffee that's a very good thing right. He hasn't washed his hands since getting out. Yuck
Fucking insane bastard

day 2

Well he woke up alive up and down a few times last night but doing well this morning.
Wanted a drink very badly last night, I know I can't and I can't pull the strap either so ill just keep on doing.
Fucking insane bastard

Day 1.dads out of rehabilitation center gave his meds as best I could figure out. Bought a bp cuff and o2 saturation level and check his blood sugar level.
Still a fucking insane bastard but doing right by my dad as best I can