im a bastard and i cant spell

Monday, April 26, 2010


well birthdays are over and back to somewhat routeen except i got away from the gf the last 2 times without f-ing her saying i was tired and we could just hug guess im just so tired of it all i just dont wanta fuck anymore.

wife went on a retreet at our church this past weekend she was running it this year and she spent months planning it and all that kind of stuff to make sure it went well. Last year i went Sunday in the afternoon to the finally they had at the end. Because i recieved an invitation in the mail an e-mail asking me to come and wright a letter of why i love her or some such shit and a phonecall conferming i would be there. this year i get a tearfull call asking if the boys and i are alright cause we werent there. CAUSE NO ONE TOLD ME TO BE ANYWHERE NEER THE CHURCH THIS YEAR AT 4PM. i guess i was supost to remember the time to be there and all the other details from the year before when it was her initiation into this cult like club within the church. HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPOST TO FUCKING KNOW!

made dinnerthen went to th gf house she took me right to bed and sucked me a little but i told her we could just hug. did that till 10pm or so and went back to my house ate a sandwitch sorted a weeks worth of my dads meds and went to bed to toss and turn for hours till sleep came.

the spirols in my head spin out of control. to many to count anymore so i hide in my safe dark gray pit of despare. it is safe here no feelings no anything but the gray nothing.


Monday, April 12, 2010


took the day off friday and went 2 the girlfriend like i was going to work. It was her birthday. I goto her an i phone a week or so ago. she wanted a shot of jizz first thing so i gave it to her as quickly as possible and we slept for a bit. got up and drove across the state to get som grain cause she grinds it to make flour. long fucking way to go for 200 lbs of grain but it was her birthday after all. ate lunch at a small diner supost to b famous. food was ok good onion rings. we walked her dogs 4+ miles along the coast and i took her to get ice cream. drove home in a daze and showered and went to bed. we must be getting old caus we didnt even fuck. I did sleep a bit even without bennidril. ate puss in the am and got her off to a screeming O i bustd a nut and we went back to sleep for a while. changed the sheets and took her dogs to a park in the afternoon showered and i went back to my house.

on thursday night i poked at the wife and fingered her off but coundent bust a nut at all guilt i guess.

spent saturday w the wife and kids played pictionary.

church on sunday as usuall celibrated the wifes birthday a day early cause she was buisy on monday got her som cool stuff for her motorcycle spent the afternoon putting it on and she rode it to work today. went out to her fav mex place for dinner.
the boys are making her a desert tonight.

all in all it cost about $400 for both birthdays
cost to my sanity? ???????

Thursday, April 08, 2010

drinking and suicide

every morning i wake up and my first thoughts are will this be the day all my dark secrets are found all my lies all my betrails everything. second thought is drink get drunk forget all i ever was or ever will be. but i really dont want to drink so my mind jumps to suicide. and so it goes day after day.

found out from my sister when she was visiting that when she was young she went to visit mom in the psyke ward because she tryed to kill herself. so not only do i come from a bunch of liers cheats and sneek thievs i come from insane suicidel drunks. (my mom never drank but grandpa sure did) and so did my dad.


Thursday, April 01, 2010

hollday weekend

everbody viing for my time pulling me this way and that way. wife children church girlfriend friends, i just wana hide for the whole long weekend.