im a bastard and i cant spell

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

vacation for 2 weeks longest vacation i have ever been on and not laid off or on strike

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

last weekend

by most accounts this past weekend went very well. if i leave certain things out that is.

Fri night went and road bikes with a friend for 12 miles at the park perfect weather. came back home and i cooked a fish dinner that was very very good. showered and made wild love. slept.
woke the next morning and went to work. had a good day, busy time went by quickly and got paid time and 1/2. home by 3pm. found the wife freshly showered from weeding the side yard so i cleaned up a bit checked on my dad did a project with the kids while the wife made dinner. while it was in the oven we made love and took a little nap. had dinner with the family regular sit down how was your day kind of dinner. after dunner i set up the volleyball net in the yard and we played volleyball and badminton with my dad as line judge till it was too dark to see. showered and went to bed hugging
Sunday i was awakened with kisses with the smell of fresh brewed coffee in the air and the sound of birds outside. dressed and went to church with the 16 year old driving. (very well i might add.) after mass and back at home the wife cooked a delicious if not nutritious breakfast of sausage biscuits and eggs. (we only do that about twice a year) lounged for a bit read the Sunday paper did a couple of choirs around the house and went out for a movie, Night and Day very good lots of action and funny. went to the grocery store on the way home for ice cream and bought a big ball to play with the dogs ate ice cream on the patio and played puppy in the middle till the ball poped and the mozzies got too bad (didn't want to put on bug spray) so we went in and made love and fell asleep in each others arms.

all sounds pretty good right?
can you guess whats wrong with this Norman Rockwell picture?

more tomorrow


Thursday, June 24, 2010


just realizes today that i have been day dreaming about killing my self everyday for a very long time now and hate myself even more for not doing anything about it.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

if i drank alcohaul

i ask myself how i could have screwed up my life so much? but i never have an answer.

got the gf on the phone during lunch cause she is unemployed right now and "likes to be on the phone with me"

both the wife and the gf are off for the summer and want All! of my time and i just want to hide away and not be a husband, father, son, lover, handyman, support system.

if i drank i could drive them all away


Monday, June 21, 2010

its monday morning and im tired very verry verrry tired.

5 days in a row thats a lot for a 43 year old

fathers day went ok i guess wife and kids planted a firebush for me in a rock garden/wall i made last year it looks nice.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

i have written a goodby letter but cannot decide who to give it to. maybee i should give it to both and dissapeer?


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

recurring dreams

so lately i have been having this dream over and over im on a hunting trip (i dont hunt) and its one of thoses paid trips where they let an animal out and you track it and kill it. im on familiar ground in the woods but i dont know what i am to hunt i see 2 pens with solid wooden doors. the doors are opened via rope and standing there are my wife behind one door and my girlfriend behind the other. they walk out see each other. i am ordered by a voice to kill one of them! i look at them both put the gun under my chin and pull the triger. then i wake up.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

nail polish

been compairing the wife and gf in my head latly guess it started with painting toe nails the other week i clipped and painted nails fri and sat nights and the gf toes are growing out and she wants me to repaint them but she hasta take the polish off before she showers or she says just for get it. the wife on the other hand will wait till i notice the polish peeling or she is jabbing me in the ankle with the sharp ones before we do them again. she lets me take off the old polish and put on new right away. i pick a color and repaint them done. no sex involved. the gf on the other hand has me choose 3 or 4 colours and she picks out the one i have not chosen (ever) i paint 2 coats and as it drys she blows me and then we have porn sex with her feet in the air till the paint is dry. just one of the many differences


Tuesday, June 08, 2010

urging for alcohaul

so i watching TV last night and an ad comes on for vodka don't remember what kind but it said it was just vodka in a bottle not fancy just vodka and it showed pictures of guys drinking it from rocks glasses over ice. i could taste it feel it going down my throat i starting salivating like a Pavlov dog. didn't go out a buy any and have not thought about it much since but i do know my mind is taking steps toward a relapse of epic proportions. at least when i do all of the wreckage that is my life will finally come crashing down as well and it will all be out in the open. as an added bonus for me to drink is to die so...



Wednesday, June 02, 2010

emotional gray

took the boys camping with dad this past weekend. got em a cell phone in case we got seperated while off roading they actually shared it quite well. the oldest called his gf a lot 6 hours worth according to the call timer

my aunt and others all thank me for bringing my dad camping with them and what a good son am. yea right

i did take the boys off roading the oldest was suprizes and happy i put him on the bigest newest bike in my ageing fleet he fell (in sand) a lot but i think he is a better rider now for it. the china made quad had its share of troubles but nothing i could not fix trailside. stayed till late monday and found our way home without much traffic at all.

called the gf a few times but did not even offer to "sleep" with her on the phone she likes having me on the phone even if we don't talk much. put a new kitchen faucett in for her friday. cant remember now if i fucked her or not prolly did.

the wife has been kinda distant since we got back she hasent said anything but just kinda different lately. her job is ending the end of the school year so maybee thats it? maybee its shes married to such a BASTARD

got everything unloaded and washed last night

kinda strange i have slipped back into my emotional gray area lately no highs no lows just gray all the time. the only time i felt alive was when i was teacheng 1st aid last week. i was like this when i was drinking just thought it was the alcohaul all the time but now i think its just the way i am