o yea i saw a sign the other day that said god id everywhere. I cant find him anymore i usta pray all the time all day long like an open like to god all the time. now not so much. ive heard that if you are looking for god guess who left? and read footprints in the sand before. but i think guilt keeps me away now and god is out of reach for me.
BASTARD

My life continues to spirol out of control. the gf loves me and "cant wait to see me this afternoon" the wife told me me last night she loves me and that "im wonderful" if either one knew what a bastard i really am well i dont know what would happen. lots of tears and i would start drinking again. that i can do even if i cant kill myself. actually drinking for me is like a verrrrrry slooooow suicide. but i cant ever seem to say the words neither wants to hear i lay awake in the dark next to either one and mouth the words over and over but never say them out loud. a drink would solve it all and solve nothing at the same time.

took the boys to an orv safety class last night so they can ride at the sand dunes this year i think they really like me for the things we do together . of course they dont know ther dad is such a BASTARD

what the f I go tothe gf for hugs (shes on the rag) and dinner on the way home from work. go home pick up the 12 yr old and go and coach robots with him. the wife gets home while im in the shower and on the phome w the gf. ditch her and go upstairs and f the wife. talk about being a BASTARD

ok ok so im going to be a cpr instructor by this time nest week. can i live that long.
the gf feed me som slop she was given it was ok but i new she would heat it up to boiling and well i put som on a plate to cool down so we wouldent be late. she starts in with is that all you want and would you like to put it in a bowl? no i wouldent like to put it in a bowl or i would have in the first place and no thats not all im having its just what im putting on the plate to coool down from the nucular fusion temp you heat everything up to. for fuck sake just shut up somtimes bitch is what i wanted to say. im starting to hate calling her and her answering the phone with iloveyouimissyou bla bla bla.
the wife was pissed at me for being so late and not calling. feked the gf just caus i wanted to last night so i was ver late
BASTARD

ok ok so im going to be a cpr instructor by this time nest week. can i live that long.

the wife was pissed at me for being so late and not calling

goin to the gf after to pick her up and go to cpr class.
the wife is on the rag so i at least dont hafta f her for a week.

still batteling fleas with borax and salt in the basement(the light and pan o soapy h2o works pretty well)

just told the gf that the way she says som things puts people off. like i was telling her we all eat diomtcious earth focisl floure because farmers use it as a pesticide. she chimes right in that she dosent cause she grinds and makes her own bread. she still does cause they spray it on crops and it is organic. anyway i told her that that might be the reason som pepole drop you is they finaly get fed up with you saying you are better than them. my kids are beter because they are home schooled and go to dance. i type with 2 fingers and never make a mistake I take theese vitamens and never get sick. i always show up for dates or times no mater what nobody else ever does.bla bla bla. and it either makes the other parson defensive or feel put down so they finaly drop her. except me who has such a low self esteem and like to put myself down and have others put me down as well. and i havent had the balls till today tell her about it. fuck it im still a BASTARD maybee she'll dump me instead.

cralled up the freeway last night to get to my house just in time to take the youngest son to his robotics meeting. (im coach) came home ate a late family dinner that my oldest son cooked and got ready for bed. went downstairs to call the gf and she nattered on and on about the stupidest shit i finally interupted her and told her i was giong to bed.

after getting the cat bathed and setting off cans of poison in the house we still have fleas in the basement lots of them they swarmed on me when i sat still for a few minuits too bad they cant kill you just make you miserable.

BASTARD

think i pisses the gf off on fri night because i wouldent f her. but i dident feel like it at all. i did chase around all over town with her running errinds and putting up window blinds for her. went home about 1am. Saturday was sweetest day and nice out did the wife then took her out for brunch and generally doted on her all day had a bonfire that night and we sat with my arms wraped around her till the fire died to embers and we went to bed. called the girlfriend a few times throuout the day as well.

Sunday was kinda buisy. got up and left for early mass. dident go but went for coffee and toast. met the wife and kids on there way to church and got the cat (she had fleas bad) took it to the groomer for a flea dip (50 bucks could have the cat put down for that amount) went home to the flea bombed house to help my brother put on a new furnace. My dad came over and started sayng som shit but my bro shut him up in a very nice way (wish i could do that) we got the furn in and working ate dinner and he went home. my dad stayed and the widow neighbor came over . left for an aa meeting about 730 and went to the gf house where i showered and i let her seduse me for som really hot sex. got back home a bit after 11 and worked on the wifes truck a bit and went to bed after a sandwich and desert with cold milk.
buisy? yes
am i still a BASTARD?
YES!

got the gf on the phone right now and shes wining about how hard her calculace is.
I had an appointment today at the dentist for a sore in my mouth and she says "I guess it depends on what the dentist does to you weather or not youl come over today" she had a desperate pleeding in her voice so just to c what she would say i let it go by saying i hadent thought about it to much. it must have been eating at her tho becaues about an hour later she said "i hope i dident turn down a taching job and then not have you show up" So i had to promise i would be over later to shut her about that. How can she be so needy and insecure? she said as were were wraping up that subject "its just that once you went home after the dentist and didnt come to my house" once once i went home to bed so i could get som sleep after 4 hours in the dentist chair getting a root canal and i was selfish enough to want to go to my own bed and sleep off the 6 shots of novacain how selfish i am.

wensday night i was comming down with a cold and couffing a lot and had a lot of conjestion. what did she do for me? fix me a hot drink to loosen the flem keep me sitting up so i could cough better? no she needed hugs so she threw me on her bed got into my arms and stroked me till i was hard then road me like a possesed bitch. all while i was coulfing my lungs out. she dident even cum she "just wanted me inside her and som part of me to remain inside her after i was gone. once i got up and had a chance to really coulgh (how the fuck do you spell that?) and clear my throught i was ok. I know i just need to tell her what i need or tell her the truth things would be much better. going to c her in a while wonder how the evening will be

BASTARD

fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck. Im still alive and i hate life
I know if i was droped in som place and deprived of the luxures i now have i would fight for survivale and all that bullshit but here and not in my spoiled have too much life i hate it.
BASTARD

well im back didnt get nailed on the freeway last night close call once tho. had the gf on the phone the whole way home wouldent that have been a hoot tho get splatted while she is on the line with me. she says its her bigest fear while talking to me. actually we dont talk much "just be on the phome with each other" makes me wana puke just thinking about it.

I really wanted to drink last night i was stumbling to the house in the dark from the garage and thought if im going to stumble i should be drunk. I still wants a drink right now.

the wife got her hair done she looks really cute. I should give the gf som money to ger hers done her hair looks like shit right now.

cooked a really good dinner last night simple and kinda like lasagna but w eggs not meat. worked in the garage to avoid talking to my 13 year old. I know thats wrong but it was all i could do not to take too many sleeping pills and go to bed. I looked up death by sleeping pills on the web and found out 99% of people who do that kind of shit dont die just sleep for a really really long time. gots t do som work now but im still a
BASTARD

just about to get off work its raining like a mutherfkr and im on my cycle maybee todays the day i get mashed on the freeway???
BASTARD

the gf sent me an email with the website http://www.hasanyonetoldyou.com/ and asked me to watch it. she really loves me that much i know but how is the question i keep asking myself. it made me cry.



Friday after work i went to her house and we ran erands and went shopping at lowes. we got a lota chinese crap and a ladder made in usa. we got buisy and put up or installed everything we got. we had a nasty looking but good tasting dinner. after we took a shower. bj's and carpet munching followed by lots of fucking. we cuddled and and read/ slept till i went home at about 1am.

Saturday i worked around the house and on cars till about 1pm then to my dads to do som shit for him. the wife had sent a lasagna for dinner and we finally sat down to eat and she coms storming in claming i never told her where to be this afternoon. im thinking wtf. I didnt have my cell on becuse it fell outa my pocket and my dad had left his in the house and we were working outside. so she went all the way home and then drove back to my dads she can be so stupid somtimes. It was just a misunderstanding but why do i hafta tell her where to be she drove a lot outa of her way for nothing. I felt bad tho, I really do love her

sunday i got up early to go to the gf house. we had a refresher for our volunteer (asked the gf how to spell that) stuff. it went ok and on the way home i asked her if we could shave her puss weve done it before and she really likes it, it kinda makes me feel like a perv tho cause she looks like a little girl w no hair at all. lota suckn and fuckin after that. took a little nap and then orderd thai food take out as neither of us wanted to cook. they said it would take about an hour so she read some more of her homework while i carressed her bod and shaved muff this got me hard so i dider again just a quicki but it feelt good. got blamed for the tia food being cold (it wasent cold at all in fact it was just right to eat but she likes her food so hot it burns your mouth) it was spicy anyway. saved her a little for luunch the next day. loafed around for a while and watched some tv and then played Yatze with me her and a stuffed tiger. the tiger won by a 100 or so points we laughed about that a lot. I honestly had a good time with her all day and the sex was great, but then comes the time i hafta go back home or the place i live anyway I really do missher when i leave.
got in bed w the sleeping cold wife and cuddled her till she was kicking off covers then slept like a stone.

I still wonder how i can be such a complete and total
BASTARD

my day started with "iloveimissyou" comming out of my gf mouth when i called her. why she loves me so much is still a mystery to me. she likes to be on the phome with me while im going to work. I cant hear her as im on a motorcycle doing 90 most days but she sleeps anyway. Why do i even call her I guess im pw so i call her every day and stay on teh phone for hours and hours and hours.
i went to parent teacher conferences last night. Seems like 2 min with each teacher twice a year really is kind of a futil exercise but we go to show we care about out children right?. my sons history teacher is a real hotty though.
I coached my younger sons robot team last night as well the kids had a lot of fun and we seemed like we got a lot done. robotics, cub scouts, pta, i do all that shit for my kids. I hate it all but hope it dosent show too much. maybee they will turn out good and do all those things with there children wothout being a lying cheating BASTARD.

didnt go see the gf last nigt went said i had to go to my dads instead to avoid her. I miss you so much was what i got from her fuck it i knew the wife would not be put off much longer so i went home fixed dinner my boys asked why i was home so early i saved dinner despite my wifes best attempts to fuck up 4 chicken breasts in the slo cooker. pissed around the house the rest of the night while she went out to som meeting. i really wish she would have an affare. called the gf and said good night it was a quick call as she was picking up her son and all so that was good. wife got home as we got ready for bed she asked for som aspren ( bad slpellers untie) so i thought i would get out of fucking her but noooooo when i got back in the room she was neked took her pills and f the shit outa me . I slept like a stone the rest of the night.
How? I am such a BASTARD

saw the gf a lot this weekend not to hear her tell it, ImissyouIloveyouimissyoui miss youiloveyou, all the fucking time i dont get out of her drive way and she is saying i miss you and want you back in my bed. did the teacher thing this weekend for my volenter (gota leark how to spell that)group. everybody says i should go into teaching for real but I think ill stick with building cars. i keep wondering when will all this bullshit will stop this endless round of lies fucking and acting normal. I think i snaped inside my head a long time ago but my body is still moving on auto pilot. do i keep going the way things are? Get help? last night i had my phone out at the dinner table making a note in the callender and the gf called (luckily we have a rule no calls durring a family dinner) but I had it set to vibrate and there it was buzzing away i pushed the button to reject the call but then wondered if i hit answer the rest of the night and my girlfriend listened to out dinner conversation. I talked to her later that night and she gushed her love and devotion to me so i guess the sharade continues. I felt so guilty i stayed up till midnight cleaning and doing chores around the house so i would be "to tired" to do anythig in bed w the wife. Cant kill them all and that wouldent be fair anyway. too much of a coward to do myself in. Maybee ill get creemed by a semi on the way home today. does God really exist. I cant seem to find him anymore

i came across som old porn in the attic of my garage funny when i was a horny tean i couldent wait to have sex w more than my hand now i find it the only guilt free experience i have left.

am i a Bastard Yes I am

another fri nite got shit to so all weekend so time is limited w both the wife and gf so...
gota wood chipper reserved for saturday afternon but i am too much of a chicken shit to use it. I still ride my motorcycle but i wont do that on purpose either.
FUCK FUCK FUCK....

BASTARD

I helped the neighbor run a huge pile of wood through a monster size chipper last night. As we were feeding 6 inch logs into it i thought it would chew up a human in very short order. it has this safty bar that can be hit to put it in reverse but it kept disengaging the teeth so we jamed a stick in it to keep it going. one chopped bastard through. oveulsly i didnt do it as it would have been lots of trouble for him but it is an option in the future to think about. I have lots trees and brush to cut up myself. I think the life insurance would even pay as it would look like an accident. O i could drink a lot first so i wouldent feel as much.

I talked the the gf this morn she says i miss you soooooooo much its like i havent seen you for months. WTF I went to her house sonday morning and sunday night I didnt c her at all on monday or make the attempt to and now i get this bullshit about missing me and all. fuck fuck fuck. i mean i have a life that dosent include her we all have friends and partners that do not involve every part of the other persons life.
if i leave my wife it would be like going from one cage to another. the cage w the gf is real nice and luxsourious but very small. the cage with the wife is very open but kinda plain and boring. that about sums it up

went to the gf on fri we went and got our certifications dun cam back home had a snack and went to bed. i think we f-cked but i cant remember. went home abour 1am. got up fairly early doinked the wife and went for a motorcycle ride with the wife, not far but it was a nice day. I guess her best friends husband reciently tried to put his wife in a mental hospital. i wish somwone would put me in one. did yard work the rest of the day had a nice dinner by a nice fire that night. got up sunday morn and went to the gf house she though that was sooooo nice I wonder y i keep making her happy when all i want is rid of her. she went to church and i went to my dads after that. the wife and kids joined me later we had dinner. I went back to the gf house (on the premis im going to and aa meeting) and i took her to get icecream like she needs another # on her fat ass. shes ragen so i tossed off for her after a little bj action. went home and now its monday and im workin ot.
BASTARD