im a bastard and i cant spell

Friday, October 30, 2009


i has it
going down the same path this weekend as always. no motorcycle as it is raining all day haate myself hate what im doing with my life . got caught eating at a local diner with the gf by an old friend blew it off but it hits home how bad im fucking up my life and the life of others. hope i get killed in a car crash on the way to her house or on the way home . what is home anyway.

james hunter

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

want to drink

was at my dads all sunday last weekend getting the place ready to sell actually its sold just needed som repairs. like the sewer vent stack on the roof had sunk and was not venting at all so my brother and i fixed that and and where it ran to in tthe basement had cracked the plastic pipe so im fixing that and the hole drain fall out of the laundry tub caus its all old as shit and brittle and thats how i ended up 3 trips to lows and 9 pm finally fixing the flood caused by the roof vent droping down 3 inches. the whole house is that way. the realtor said the couple that is buying it loves it and is not going to change a thing. i asked her if they were mental and had actually seen the place? she said they were not and loved the kitchen even the 40 year old cupboards my dad built so long ago. i guess im looking at from the vision of my childhood home and all the dyi fix ups and repairs my dad had to do over the years. hiring an electricion to fix the fuse panel and all that i dont have time or expertees to do it all. just want to get it sold and ger my dad to FL for the winter before it gets too cold. got his motorhome back he was bitchen that it was not back on friday as HE! thought it should be wtf. its not like he really needed anything in it he just feels insicure being away from it i guess.

skiped going to the gf yesterday. a week ago she had a meeting to go to so i said i had stuff to do as well. her meeting got cancelled and now she is all pissy that she cant see me. its like a job anymore with her i must show up on time and stay the allotted time and perform all the rolls she wants. i think i still love her but im not so sure anymore i took her a rose on sweetest day picked it up while i was getting the 24 roses for the 24th aniversary of the first date with my wife how fucked up is that ?

got the oldest boy confermed into the catholic church on saturday mass at 5pm with the bishop and all the attending bs. not so sure about the church anymore either but at least he is going to heaven according to my wife and inlaws. i think my mother and father in law still think the only ones getting in are devout catholics. God loves us all. even bastards like me, if only i could extend love to myself i prolly could get on with doing something with my life instead of giong round and round with my insanity.

o yea sunday night after everyone left and i was finishing up the laundry tub i has the POWERFULL urge to drink like i have not felt in years and years. the only thing that stoped me was i could not decide what to break my 13 years sobrity on wiskey beer vodka cheep wine jaeger meister .... i turned into the gas station across from the liquer store instead. the urge passed but not compleetly

same thing

Friday, October 16, 2009


is doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and expecting different results.

insane BASTARD

death and insanity

i think of death quite often. i rely on it being on option. i can find no other answer to my insanity. i do the same things over and over. with the wife and gf.
the rest of my life goes on i moved my dad back into the house after spending the summer in the motorhome. cat and all. im back on the bennadrill so i can breath at night. as a bonus it helps put me to sleep.
i hate myself and the way im living