goin into a very black mood in my head dont wana do anything all i can think about is drinking
BASTARD

it looks like ill get laid off soon for the holidays at least. i think ive decided to start drinking when i do it will keep me very buisy what with all the arguments and hangovers that will happen. at least i wont remember much of it.
BASTARD

well im getting ovewr my cold its been a week and a day spent the weekend in bed baught and drank the stuff that was about 10% alcohaul didnt do shit. work is going well and ive avoided most female troubles for a while blaming it on the cold. tossed off a lot lately still hate myself and wana drink a lot same ol same ol.
BASTARD

not much goin on latly i have a cold and ben goin t bed asap each night. went to the drug stoor the other day to pick up som stuff for it but all the meds that claimed to sooth my simptoms had alchol in them dont need much of an excust to drink now do i . bought som childrens formula instad. it kinda works.
the gf is pissed cause i wont make plans to c her this weekend. i told her t make plans with her friend like she wanted to. fucking pisses me off when she plans her life around me. this morn she gave me wont you miss me a little bit? i meen for fucks sake im sicker that a dog goin t work cause im out of sick days and dont want to hang around my dad to much and make him sick. and she is wanting validation that i love her and will meii not seeing her. i think that is the hardest part about her to put up with is she is all about me me me and shit going on in her life and how it pertains to her and her needs and on and on and on...
just wana buy the cold stuff thats mostly booze and drink it and pass out.
BASTARD

have not had the urge to drink this badly since i quit drinking. white knuckles constently thinking of reasons not to drink. help is only a phone call or a meeting away. will i go?
BASTARD

last night i got out my old bike to test ride it and it runs fine but i snaped the drive belt so it had to be trailered home. i pushed it to the wifes work and we rode home together i stoped at the local school about 2 miles away from our house and had her drive us home she didnt want to saying " I cant do this" but i knew she could, i was very proud of her when she pulled us in the drive.
i really really want to be on an American bike but i have had 3 of them now and they all have had a lot of problems.
droped the boy off at scouts and went to load the bike.
had som time to kill so i stoped at the local market to get a packet of chips and a soda and realized i really want to drink not "A" drink but many many drinks to get near death drunk kind of drunk. f--- it just drink to die and get it over i think the only thing stopping me is my dad would find out.
Dad is doing well and even cooks dinner a couple of times a week now.
BASTARD