nerviousness

get highly ancius and nervious panic attacks about my plan. Hopefully ill work through it all before the time comes and can go through with it. Still right now i wana hurl. at least im feeling more than hate anger and remorse all the time. Should i leave a note?

INSANE BASTARD

didnt ride today first week i have not had a chance to ride this winter

knowing what i am doing having a plan has lifted some weight of me. knowing it all will be over soon....
INSANE BASTARD

relapsing and suicide

i have hatched a plan for exiting this world. my 15 year of sobriety is coming up in April. i will check into a motel local cheap one buy enough alcohol to tip me well past lucid thoughts but not enough to pass out completely. put a band tie around my neck and pull tight. the simple plans are always the best.

INSANE BASTARD

dirty weekend

took 1/2 day on friday mooved a bunch of shit for the gf so she could clean behind them washer dryer stove ice box. went to DQ for unessary callories made a dentist appt for her (she later canceled it) phone store walked her dogs. she did make me a nice dinner that almoste burned while she took for ever to gazem multipul times while i et her puss and fucked her. we do still have really good sex. Extra note zirtec does not = good orgasam. we showered packed anddebated driving 3 hours to go skiing next day.

slept fitfully zirtec hampers my pee stream

loaded car while she walked dogs drove in clear sky and dry pavement cold and windy when we arrived snow was grommed very well and we kissed and hugged all over the hill got som soup for lunch and i treated her very well and looked at her loveingly all day. we had a jacuzee bath tub in the room so we bathed and got all warmed up. went to resaraunt for dinner good food gassed up and drove home. spent night with her again. called wife and told her more lies her i was staying over a . Gf said "how did i ger so lucky to get a wonderfull lover like you" so back to bed for more lickin fucking and cuddlin.

left gf house bout 8 am after pancakes.

got to my house didnt feel guilty didnt feel at all really. got dressed and went to church with the family. back home helped the boy with his ww2 airplain project. and left for my voulenteer thing.

picked up the gf and went to ... did 4 hours nothing much happened. started to snow didnt want much at the gf house but a shower and som pie. got it but not the way i wanted. gf fucking around with this and that so i ate my pie and waited for her to get ready to shower. how fucking long does it to take to get ready to take a shower? for fuck sake i could have shit showered shaved and be on the couch while waiting for her to get ready. guess thats all part of my reservation about her is everything must revolve around her her dogs her her her... she is my princess after all we fucked and cuddled and she did my laundry. we had a misunderstanding while she was folding she asked me if i needed a bag? i said i would get one ina minute and was standing there naked except for socks cause her floors are freezing. she went in the garage i thought to get me a bag i wait for a min or 5 and she finally comes back in bagless after shoveling her fucking drive way. she is a freek about snow on her drive she hasta shovel it 8 times every snow fall caude its "easyer in small layers" i can understand that and she thought i was getting dressed but really who goes out in a robe to do there drive when its 11 fucking windy degrees. we got it sorted out but not before i told her that its ok for her to do her drive any way she wants but she is a freek and not to expect others to understand her logic about it.

next day it has snowed 12 inches so i stayed in bed did the wife make waffels for everyone and we went to the ski hill. more like forced them to the hill but whatever it was good. did som running around to get shit for the kids airplane project. came down with a headache took a nap didnt feel better till much later in the evening.

went to work tuesday had off site training borring boring boring as usuall. im no teacher but i can do better than "read the book answer the worksheets and take this test at the end. got off about noon and went home. wife called on way to say she was home depot and did i need anything? i didnt.

you would think after fucking fri sat sun and mon i would have had enough but no i pulled up youporn and beat off. erased the browzer history and took a nap till they got home . offered to take everone to hill again nice and sunny and warm out but no one wanted to go. so i fucked off did som sewing on my bibs and told her i was goint to training at 7pm. wife and i slept and cuddled till it was time for me to go. took my soup, kind of a fish chowder stew it was very good, to go as we both lost track of time. had a good time at training the instructor got me outa my comfort zone but i never fell

now im back at work on break trying to dispatch the voices in my head about last weekends failures.

INSANE BASTARD

guilt

guilt guilty guilty GUILTY GUILTY
guilty fucking cheating bastard
shotgun motorcycle carbon monoxide zip ties what the fuck is wrong with use any of them to off yourself gutless insane cheating bastard
INSANE BASTARD

vacation

takin the gf skiing this weekend dirty weekend
kill kill kill yourself DONT DO IT!!!! better to end your life that continu the insanity
INSANE BASTARD

tired insane bastard

tired tired tired
INSANE BASTARD

to summerize the weekend

fri went to gf lots of errands washed her car walk dogs fucked
sat ski w wife in am washed her truck nap ski w gf pm too tired to f
sun church renew vows w wife in am ski w gf pm ate her to O fucked
back to work monday
INSANE BASTARD

watched the scene in mad max where the toe cutter get run over with the semi during lunch over and over and over 50 + times slow fast at one time it was the scene that saved me from killing myself when i was a teen. not it serves as motivation to run up i75 and throw myself under a semi as a sure way of offing myself.

dark thoughts today
INSANITY RULES MY HEAD
BASTARD

rode the carving board last night for about 5 hours did well aka didn't fall.
called the gf durning and on way back to house
tried to get wife and kids out as snow was good but no luck.
not much out of the ordinary at the weekend
INSANE BASTARD

bastard

got back to my house last yesterday didn't ride shoveled some more snow took out the quad to get the mail got it stuck in the deep snow down at the lake. almost gave myself a asthma attack getting it out. thought about it after that is a good "accidental way to off myself"

offered to take the wife out skiing and to dinner but she didn't want to go. so i took a shower and she joined me. kissed her to "O" and rubbed lotion on after. We got dressed, she made dinner, i opened mail. after dinner i took out garbage. put a song on YouTube that the boy was singing. danced in the kitchen with the wife while he worked on school projects. looked deep in her eyes and saw the love she has for me. she should have seen the lye's deceit and what a fucking INSANE BASTARD i really am

rode today
goin t gf house after work.
INSANE BASTARD

snow day

took yesterday off slept in and slowly got ready to go boarding the wife watched me and when im ready to leave she says i guess i should get ready yea like 20 min ago i told her to call me if she and the boys get ready and ill come and get them she didnt. not sure if she was relieved or not but i went and enjoyed the fresh powder. got back and shoveled and plowed the drive and street with the boys and neighbor didnt take too long.
called the gf a couple of times she was off as well no school she wined about doing her drive and having a cold

watched a movie with the fam durring dinner
loaded the bike in case i could ride today i couldent but might at lunch time
masaged some of lotion on the wife. did a quicky on her and slept fitfully.