Sleep?

Once again I’m sitting up reading but I’ve taken the did the princess properly took the Benadryl ate the snack so sleep should come soon. 

Insomnia

 Actually I was asleep for a while and now I sit on the counter at 2am. I’ve kept most of the darkness away with internet and exercise but????

Tomorrow is another day 

Dinner

 My beautiful wife just about has a delicious day at the table and I fighting off thoughts of putting my new gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. 

Weird

 My life is so weird now. Just made love that wasn’t weird but I live here now. Have done for over 8 years I still got t urge to get up and go have. But that place is sold the boys have other lives to manage. By all accounts I’m lucky rich and doing well. But! My head and thoughts are still scrambled. Most of the time. I try to block liner thoughts with YouTube and games and Imgur but it dunt always work. 

Am I really just marking time waiting for death? Good question I’m not actually seeking it but am I waiting on it. ?????????

Just updating

 I’ll try and put some thoughts together soon 

Were to begin after such a long time. 

Well to start my life is great princess is wonderful and at 130lbs I’m in as good or better shape than all my adult life.  Then t dark thoughts come outa nowhere and t waves knock me down. I get back up and say I’m okay and on the surface i am. In o deep dark hole though things are a mess.