mor colds

fighting another cold seems like i go from cold to cold lately.

went bike riding with a fellow v seems like she just wanted a riding partner. big sigh of reliefe. we rode sloged and pushed our bikes about 7 miles what a total body workout. fun though.

had lunch with the gf i wasent hungry but got to see her and the dogs

dug the washed out neighbors dam a little bit last night drained moste of the huge puddle in front of my house didnt dig much let the h2o do moste of the work

INSANE BASTARD

asbestos

watching an old TV show about fireman paramedics made in 1973 covering victims with asbestos blankets. guess we didn't know then what we know now about it.

plucked hair on lip waited 2 days to do but at least it didnt take a month this time

INSANE BASTARD

plucked hair on lip waited 2 days to do but at least it didnt take a month this time

INSANE BASTARD

juggling

just tossing the 3rd ball in the air WTF

INSANE BASTARD

what in the fuck am i doing im emailing a fellow voulenteer to arange a bike ride and later on charity race with her. thats right with her! am i fucking nuts i dont know how to get rid of my current girlfriend and im aranging a date with another. hope i dont end up fucking her as well life is complicated enough.

INSANE BASTARD

crying

i choke back tears over and over every day. almost anything can set me off programs about soldiers coming home to pictures of kittens playing

INSANE BASTARD

needless to say i didnt do it. bought strawberry wine 3.99 and went to the gf house. didnt do much but eat and fuck. when i got to my garage i put the wine away ate a bowl of cerial and huged the wife to sleep. just could not do it i guess hate self

dumb ass INSANE BASTARD

eating healthy fruit and yougurt seems like a waste if im going to kill myself later on. dont wana die really just dont no what elst to do? dought if ill really go through with it anyway. snowed in today so i cant go and get the wine like i was going to guell ill go after work INSANE BASTARD

15 years sober

15 years ago today i was arrested for dui. i had a blood alcohol level of .41 roadside and was officially charged with a .38. i was kept in the drunk tank until after i saw a Dr at the jail cause i was so drunk. i came out of there defeated and down. i went through an outpatient rehab program went to AA for several years and have managed to remain alcohol free. I WANT TO CHANGE THAT TONIGHT AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND PASS OUT IN MY GARAGE WITH ALL MY MOTORCYCLES RUNNING. INSANE SUICIDAL BASTARD

thoughts

watching a 1974 show where a women commited suicide and the last she wanted to live. 3 days till the 15th will i do it. prolly not but i need to hold on to the idea i could. guess thats y i carry around a band tie every place i go. feeling sick gota cold tisticled feeling better. supost to go gf house t night. INSANE BASTARD

wifes birthday

ran around last night gettin stuff for the wife bday cards flowers ice creem cake. then came back to take her out to dinner "chineese "enjoydinner" then took her shoe shopping so she would stop wearing her ragid old sneekers managed to get her to take 5 pair had a lot ot fun trying them on having the sales girl looking stuff we laugh a lot together. got back to the house and had cake poened cards made her cry with the sappy one i picked. i showered while she helped the oldest boy w home work. Gave her a big O pumepd her a few times busted a nut and went to sleep. she shure looks good naked feeling down and hatefull today after all that acting yeaterday at leas t my coworkers are all off today 5 days INSANANE BASTARD

was listening to firework by katy perry and the line "your an original you cannot be replaced" made me cry yet again. and re think this whole suicide plan i have. got 6 days to myll it over and over and over spinning spining spining in my head INSANE BASTARD

spent fri and sat with the gf went to hell took her out to dinner indian fufked her a few times hate myself INSANE BASTARD 7 DAYS LEFT

birthday

its the gf b day again givin her a dirty weekend still counting down to whwn i can off myself comming up soon i think. the thought makes my blood run cold. cold as death i see no other choise end it before im found out. when i see myself in the mirror i think how ugly i am ugly cheating insane bastard 10 days. think ill really do it? doughtfull but ya never know INSANE BASTARD can taste the vodka in the back of my mouth today. i think a cheep wine would work better though death death DEATH KILL KILL KILL FUCKING DO IT DUMBASSBASTARD

weekend

felt like shit sunday couldent even open an asprin bottle. guess what the kids had finally cought up with me. dont really feel up to par today had crackers and soda and kept it down so far. did the wife in the morning and then worked around the house on saturday and watched tv with the fam in eve did movie night on fri went to gf house on thursday usuall stuff. nuts cleared up