im afraid to leave, work ill be off till the 3rd of january
wife
children
girlfriend
drink
ALL want my time
so scared
BASTARD

went to the gf last night stayed for the overtime tho wastnt going to loose money just to sit and listen to her sniffel and cough. made her one of her favorite dinners and we went to bed. I should know better than to sleep later in the evening cause i didnt sleep much last night. but sleep i did and went home bout 10 pm after stoping at the store for som cold preventative.

funny dident even think about buying booze till i was leaving the parking lot. I think about drinking all the time but i guess i must not really want to just wishing for the escape it would provide however false it would be.

I layed awake (next to the wife) and wandered just wht the fuck i am doing with my life.

BASTARD

got a good bit of advice from a friend of bill w. thanks dude i wont drink today. still taken it one day at a time. one hour at a time one min at a timeevery been sober for 13 years now and still every part of me screems for a drink this time of year. guess thats why AA was invented so no mater where you go there is someone there to tell dont do it its not worth it. I look around at my co workers and wonder who will get popped this season for dui. not me if i dont pick up. still gota a nasty case of the fuckits goin on.

went to confession last night with the family. now lying to God through a priest how low can i go.
wife has a cold so didnt hafta fher at least couldent sleep so got up and tossed off in the bathroom to a readers digest add for a bra or som such shit.

Still goin to the gf tonight caus i havent the nuts to tell her no. what the fuck am i so scared of that shell tell me to fuck off! that probably would be the best thing anyway.supost to go see som play or som shit tnite shes sicker than a dog anyway so prolly just sit and "hug" fuck what a waste of time. shes on the phone with me all the time now her semester has ended. just hang up and dont answer when she calls back i tell my self but i dont.

do i quit my marriage?
do i quit my girlfriend?
do i quit life?


BASTARD

since friday i have fucked the gf 3x the wife zer0 shes on the pad. helped a friend move house cross town. spent a lota time on my snowboard. shoveled 12 tons of snow. and lost part of my sanity (i havent much left to loose) thought about telling all concerned the truth and then start drinking or switch that but im pusillanimous and still a
BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD

ina lot of ways i am a real nice guy I got home last night and received a message that the friends son i invited to take out skiing with us could not come too much homework (his dad is in afganistan) so i fixed a nice dinner while the kids played and had it all ready when the wife got home. we ate and sent the other kid who came over on home when his mother got there. the wife was falling asleep in her chair so i put her to bed for a little nap ahe gets real sleepy durring her first days on the pad. so she slept i put away the food and did som dishes, before taking everywon out to get a tree for christmas. all nice and suburban like, right? while she slept i went to the garrage and tossed off and ate chockolet and called the gf to lie to her and tell her i was going to bed. Today im back at work at least i was able to get up a little early and rice my cycle in. goin to the gf after work tday she will probably bitch that im not getting to her house early enough again but fuck it the weather is cold but dry so i ride. it kinda pisses me off last time i did this route i was at her house at 3:36 about 10 min later than usuall. but she goes on and on about how i'll not be to her house till 4pm and shit. ahe has me all evening but she bitches about me 10 min talking likes its hours and hours. "but our time together is so short to begin with i want every minuite i can with you" bla bla bla... ad nausium. I wana tell her im going to an aa meeting tnight but i probly wont have the balls to ill just sit and watch a movie or cuddle or play a board game w her well fuck and i'll leave in the small hours of the am while she goed on and on about missing me. I write all this while she is on the phone w me professing her love to me over and over and over again. I AM SUCH A BASTARD

goin t the gf again tnight wana scream at to shutup about everything she talks and talks and talks about nothing. probably get sucked and laid again tho.
BASTARD

know what the sad truth is... I really love my wife we made nice love last night and after we fell asleep in each others arms. the spot on my dik is cleared up i think i just pinched it or somthing. on the phone w the gf right now and cant figure out a way to tell her we are done. my head says come clean just tell her it will be the best thing for all but i cant im a coward and a
BASTARD

i make up the lies one by one. as i slog through my days just putting in time till i drink and or die. have a strange spot on my dick since saturday night after moving a pool table i think i just pinched the head and it made a spot. might be som sort of lurgey though and if it is either the wife or the gf have som explaining to do. and then the shit would trally hit the fan. I soooooooo want to rent a wood chipper...
BASTARD