the gf kinda hinted that i should come over after work last night but i didnt. "i miss you so much" and all that bullshit. so i went and made dinner for the boys. and went to scouts. i hate scouts its stupid and just bullshitish every time but the boy likes it so we go.

got home and took som sleeping pills and passed out. the nice part about pills as oposed to drinking is i can lay there and feel them taking over till im out. o and no hangover either. but i really wana drink i miss the uforia it gives. its a mental obsession that fills my mind more and more. how long do i have left before i drink? for me to drink is to die. it would be a long cowardly long and slow suiside involving everywon i know. bugger it just talked myself out of drinking again but alcohol is patient and will wait as long as it takes its just a mater of time.

BASTARD

I know all my readers art waiting breathlessly for the answer to last fridays post. yea right like anywon reads this but me. anyway i write becaust it gets it outa my head and maybe i can find it after i loose my mind but why i want to remomber i dont know.

turns out the gf got a new phone and was ver excited about it and started asking me all kinds of questions about it and blue tooth technology. she thinks cause i have testicles i know everything about moders stuff. well we opened the packaging and she tryed on the headset and because she has som freeky small ears it wouldent stay on. we walked the dogs at the local comunityu college but had to cyt it short cause her oldest dogo has a cancer lump hanging out of her mouth and it started bleeding the vet told her the dog would die months and months ago but she keeps going.
back to the phone store where she already tortured the sales staff for hours to tell them the headset didnt fit. so the sales girl (who looks like Erin O'Brien) called over another guy who shoved it in her freeky ears and it did fit. as she was talking to him i said to the girl arent you glad all your customers are not this high maintainace she nodded and rolled her eyes. She is high maintaincance thats part of what scares me about her so much. anyway back at her house she heated up som slop and we ate and i watched tv while she read her phone shit. then off to bed feked my dic off and i lefe about 1am.

got in bed w the wife but before i did tool sleeping taba to get me out. did her in the morning and we showered and went to the hill for som skiing riding in the sun. didnt do any patient treatment but a little transport via sno machine. did movie night and went to bed more sleeping pills church then
av with the gf nice conditions "family funday" more guilt even tho the family was buisy with church shit and we finished up the eve with a dead battery jumping in the parking lot a closing time. showered at the gf she sucked and i ate her and then gave her proteen injection in the puss. o that sounds so dirty dosent it. got outa there bout midnight.

back to work monday and picked up the afternoon and off to pk more steller conditions and i held the gf hand and we flew down the hill lotsa runs no injuries. we kept the conversation light and all but later in the night she starts with the spring trip plans and then summervation plans and all this time we are going to spend together and well that kinda sut me right down mentally she does this every season change wanting asurances that we will get maximum time together and as always the questions "you do want to spend time with me? dont you?" and "we will be together somday? Right?" fucken locked me right up for a while.

got back to her house and showered and she said she was too tired to f but she went down on me and got me all hard. sooooo i began stroking myself and next thing i know im cumming on her tits and rubbing it around like she likes and she gets herself off.

well thats my weekend ther is other filler stuff like kids and shit but i cant reall rememger much

BASTARD

i have a question? what will lthe gf do to me tonight pull me inside her house and eat me alive effing my brains out first thing? will we walk her dogs? eat dinner early? watch tv? all of the above? and fuck me later? dont know. I do know i belong at my house with my wife and kids. but i cant seem to break it off with her. I told her this week i was deeply and despertly in love with her. It just kinda came out while we were on the phone, i guess i do love her. but i love my wife too...

sombody shoot me ima
BASTARD

could sombody just shoot me. i hear about shootings and random killings tornados floods car wrecks but do any of them happen to me noooooooooooooooooo fking way.
gonna take the day off tomoro valentines day and spend it with the gf. why i dont know just more fking and bullshit.
juat feeling like offing myself again lately dont think about drinking much but when i do it is the serious backsliding kind of thoughts. Its only a mater of time. At least for me drinking means death.
death o sweet death come to me asap. (hey maybee i could be a poet)

BASTARD

sooooooo the wife was gon for the weekendjust me and the boys annnndd the gf. of course! went to her house on friday afternoon for a while. no fucking this time kinda surprized me then i went and got a movie and went home to cook dinner for the boys and watched said movie. Slept with her on the phone "cause i like being on the phone with you" I am such a wimp i cant tell her no. She called me out on this one though. i gave the phone to the cat to let her hear something breathing otherwise she disconnects and calls me back saying headset fell out of my ear and i couldent hear you sooo i thought the cat breathes ill put it by it well the little feline started purring and she hung up and called me back and told me all about it. I just wana sleep ferchristsake. i am such a puss. anyway took the boy to get his braces tightened and goofed off till i went to her house saturday night and we went out with friends. when we got back we showered and sucked and fucked till i went home around 2 am more sleeping on the phone.
took the boys to church sunday morning made dinner for them to cook and went to sp got home late to a sleeping wife whom i cuddled till my alarm went off at 430 too early so i took a 1/2 day and got the kids off to school and made breakfast and fucked the wife . went to work and back to sp and the gf joined me for the night (i wonder what other people think) back to her house after and was just too tired to fuck.

BASTARD

lots of snow last night so i slept at my best buds who lives 2 blocks from my work. we watched movies on his huge tv and ate chineese take away. Later i called the wife and proffessed my love to her and said goodnight. then called the gf and slept with her on the phone thats another wierd thing she likes to do is sleep with me on the phone why we are sleeping!!! i dont know i cant say no though. doin ot at work so less time at home and no time w gf. Wife goin outa town this weekend so its just me and the boys. doin som shit with the gf on sat but thats it. fuck i wana drink whats keeping me sober is beond me anymore.

BASTARD

comes down to this im an adulterer and im cheating on my girlfriend. no matter how nice a guy i seem to be to the rest of the world im a bastard deep down. I dont really know how it happentd but i cant seem to stop it im not strong enough. I know i should tell the gf and the wife the truth and let them decide what to do with there lives from there. the choice really isnt up to me. I kinda wish one of them would get a gun and in a fit of rage kill me while im with the other. that kinda shit only happenes in the movies tho.

the girlfriend called me at lunch yesterday to twiddle herself she sounded like she came 2 times.

goin to the girlfriends later we are supost to go to som friends later but there is lots of snow in the way so maybee not. prob just stay home and f. i dont wana f anywon anymore. i tossed off last night to som old porn that was actually very satisfying. that and sleeping pills and i slept all night

snow and more snow comming. maybee ill slide off the freeway and rollover in a ditch and get my head chopped off. dream dream dream.

BASTARD