i ghess theweekend went well by cheeting and sinning standards.i got to the gf hause and it took me a while to get my head on straight but that didnt stpo hwr fron fucking the snot outa me 20 min after i got there. she rode and she sounded like she had a real good time. o yea i ate her shaved puss before we fucked and thatmusta got har all worked up. slept like a stone and she did me again in the morining and then cooked me the uglyest pancakes i hafe ever seen they tasted good though. we checked the weather and were getting ready to go cycling and she poped out some porn pics she took of herself wow got me all hard so did her again. we walked her dogs rode our new bikes and stoped at the home center to order her new kitchen. got a cooked chicken at the store and ate dinner hugged and read till i left about 10:30 pm.
got home and cralled in bed with the wife and slept nicely woke up in time to shower and go to church with everywone. puttering around later in the afornoon and we ended up doing the nasty and having a little nap pissed around for the rest of the day. gave the boy a haircut and.
my stomach started to hurt ive hade it before but it really hurt. went to the gf and my stomach felt like it had stones in it i left in an hour or so and went home and aganozied on the couch till bed time and went to sleep feel fine this morning.
still think of ways to off mysely all the time just kind of a running dialog in the back of my head all the time. no currage to do it though.

BASTARD

tonight im off tto the girlfriends for a dirty weekend under the guise of a ski weekend up north with som friends of mine. the wife is going to be so surprized at my funeral that all of my friends are made up.anyway ahould be a lot of fucking and and shit but really i dont wana go but i will and well fuck fuck fuck
BASTARD

so day after day i try and work up the courage to break up with my girlfriend. I thought after ski season and before summer starts yea thats when right? but she talks me into meeting her at the bike store and talks me into and buys me a $750 bike. wtf over. that was on monday. she keeps my mind reealing all the time so i can never think things through. fuck fuck fuck. at least im getting a tax refund so i can pay her back soon. I dont want a new bike though and i really dont wana get dressed up in spandes and ride all over the place again this summer. but i will cause im a wimpy
BASTARD

this is my life. i feked the gf on friday night not much else. got up sat morn and took the family skiing. nice spring skiing good time. got home and got the wife in bed and had som really nice sex and a little nap. whin i got up there wad a text from my gf she was close by did i want a hug. so i jump on one of my motorcycles and ride out to meet her. we hug in a parking lot for a while and i go back home to eat dinner. after dinner we play a family board game and then we gather in the living room to watch a movie. i rubbed the wifes feet and painted her toe nails green for sst pats day. called the gf when i took a shower to say good night.
fucking
skiing / snowboarding
fucking
motorcycles
hot kissing and petting my lover
good food
happy family life
sounds great right?
its all an act and i tested a door jam the other day where i could prop a knife in and impail myself on it to make it look like an accedent. I just want it all to end and i see no way out. God seems so far away and i have any one of a number of friends i could talk to about anyting. but i just want to curl up and die.
BASTARD

this is my life. i feked the gf on friday night not much else. got up sat morn and took the family skiing

so fri night i went to the gf for yet again a night of playiing house. this time i made her come with me to the ski hill cause i didnt want to just sit around and play yatzee with her stuffed toy or watch tv . she had already fked me. I also took her to home depo cause she has the ideas to remodel parts of her her house. im not doin it ill help but i have enough shit wrong with my own crib to fix. besides she has som money from her dad to do it with. she always asks me questions like how much or how long will it take? though.
later on on the way back to my house i called her on the way out of her driveway like always cause she likes to be on the phone with me. i get a text message from her saying she misses me. now im not right i know im fucked up in the head keeping 2 women and all the bullshit that goes along with them going but sending me text messages while on the phone with me is just plane fucked up!!

BASTARD

fucked the gf last night no skiing she is such a good lay i cant even believe it. its like porn star sex every time. (except shes getting kinda chubby) but other than that she sucks and fucks like there is no tomoro. I wana do the right thing and cut loose from her and stay with my wife but just cant ever seem to start the process. its a lot like when i usta drink i start out going over to her house determened to break up with her and she starts kissing on me and all that other stuff and i cave in and do her and play house and all. the thought i just had is this i think i could hug her and look deep into her eyes and say i love you! then leave her and go to my house and hug my wife and look deep into her eyes and tell her i love her as well. am i fucked up or what?

If you put me in a room with 2 doors one labeled wife and one labeled girlfriend and told me to choose i would.... sit in the middle of the floor till someone came and got me. I am fucked up in the head and know i need help.

BASTARD