found out today that the bible is not in alphbetical order. I think i knew that but its the first time i have ever looked up a specific book chapter and verse. Thank you Diane. Im not sure of the meaning but i did read it.
Knowing a Teacher is reading this blog is kinda intimidating because well cause you are a teacher but i just let my thoughts flow so my head wont explode if i put too much thought into it and hafta look up every other word i would never do anything. by the way i do have a college degree and have passed several tecnical and critical writing classes not easy but i graduating with a solid 2.0 gpa. in business asministration.

got a lot done around the house last night . Even helped the boy with his % off math homework. the older boy is working on a science project in the garage i think he will need help tonight but ill wait till he asks i have learned its easyr to let him do all he can that way all i hafta do is help a little at the end. the last thing he built by himself was a catapult it didnt get a perfict grade but he owned the grade and he was proud of himself anyway as was i.
proud of myself? no im still a
BASTARD

who in tthe fuck do i think i am? im fucking up a lot of peoples lives lately.
Went to the girl friends house last night again. Just kinda zombied around till she got me in bed the gazam dident even feel good. she got off after me by twiddling herself and yanking on me till i was hard again but why do i keep going back over and over and over?
when the truth comes out. not if but when a lot of people will be hurt. ill start drinking again and then the spirals will all come out of my head. at least my children are old enough to understand that dad has gone crazy. My Mom spent several trips to the mental ward at our local hospital while i was growing up and my dad was a drunk (recovering still) so i guess the writing was kinda on the wall for me from the begining. i guess i just dont know which way to go. i tryed praying this past weekend a couple of times but got all lost in my own guilt tryed telling my Dr one time but coulldent get the words out of my mouth that i wana off myself all the time. guess thats why i put it down in this blog to get it out so my head wont explode. im too much the coward to do it and too week to do the right thing
BASTARD

Work is absofriggenloootly nuts at the moment. my weekend was nuts as well drove to the other side of the state for my nephews frst communion. we catholics are so wierd 60$ worth of gass to see a kid stick his toung out and get a waifer placed on it. I know it supost to be a BIG event in the boys life but... anyway stayed the night and actually slept well for a change. got back home on saturday in time to go to bed (took lots of sleeping tabs) fixed the wifes brakes on sunday and went and did the girlfriend on sunday night. I painted her toes sunset orange and then we had sex it should hafe been great(the gf says it is) but guilt and shame arent letting me enjoy it.
BASTARD

I cant seem to stop the insanity. its relentless like the waves of the sea. and like the sea it has tides that eb and flow and the lies in my life rise and fall with them like so much flotsom. when will the tempest hit? will i be swept away? will i survive?
BASTARD

gota friend asking me not to leave my children... dont think i ever could even if i wanted to. Iv come to the..... gotta do som work work will be back later.

In aa there are 12 ongoing steps to recovery. dont think there are a set amount of steps to addiction. hat are the steps to insanity? and will there ever be a recovery?
BASTARD

news flash someone has read my pathetic little blog and actually left a comment or 2.

thank you Diane. I know God is out there waithing for me to come back to him.

Just kinda lost in my own hatefull self right now and well thats what alchohaulics and addicts do best. it is f uped though cause i f up all the lives of all who know me. cant seem to do the right thing for all concerned tho. I know i should just drop the gf and stay with the wife. Actually i should just tell them both the truth and face the fact that what happens after that is out of my control. Trouble is as i have said before though im a coward and cant seem to do that. I get a feeling they would both forgive me and take me back and the lies would start all over again. i need Gods help strength and guidence so badly but cant seem to ask for that either. All i see before me is an alcohaul related death somtime in the future. I hope it comes sooner rather than later.
BASTARD

gf has class on friday nights now so i been goin home lately. I dont really fit in there anymore but the wife says she is glad to c me. worked on saturday and then went to the gfh she is finally not pregnant so thats a verry good thing 7 weeks i was begining to sweat i know ive been snipped and she is pre menopause but still... i cleaned out her gutters and did yard work with her. I was thinking as i was climbing the alluminum ladder near the power lines that if i did get killed it would put my family in a world of hurt even with the huge life insurance policy ive got on me. let alone explaining how i was killed. any way the gutters are cleaned now cause im a coward and a
BASTARD

wen will it all end? dont know just dont f-ing know. stayed home on friday night and worked saturday went to the gfh in the afternoon. she is finally not pregnant thank God or whoever is running things in my life. I still beleve in God and all but i guess my faith is at very low ebb

die die DIE!
BASTARD

looked at all the bridges durring my travels last night most have barriers and guard rails around them. im too much of a coward to take that way out anyway. probably just start drinking again and make everyones life miserable before i actually die.
going back to the gfh to finish the electrics Im the only one small enough to crall around under the house this time. it should go quickly at least its not cold. I really want a drink.
BASTARD

well we all know im a bastard by now but really to let the lies go on and on and on is really not even...( cant think of a word here but i am kinda stuped remember ) went to the gfh last night we rode bikes showered and i cooked dinner did dishes after too. then we fked she wasent going to cum so i begged her to let me eat her really its the fastest way to get it all done and over the quickest she had a really big O and i got off as quick as possible hugged for an hour or so and i went. got home cralled in bed with the wife while my insides felt like acid was eating me up.
Where is God in all this? Waiting for me to come back to him im told. but how still thinking of ways of offing myself gun knife carbon monoxide or just cross the median on the freeway naa that would inlvove someone else and that would even be worse. a bridge abutment at about 120mph thats an idea!
BASTARD

stayed home on friday night for the first time in a couple of years. the gf has a class and i dont go to aa meetings anymore so i stayed in had dinner and watched a movie with the wife and kids. real norman rockwell type stuff. didnt call of text the gf till saturday afternoon she left me about 10 texts and vm.
Saturday was the wifes birthday so we slept in i made her breakfast and took her shoping got som nice outfits and son shoes that fit her and were made of real leather. we shared a late lunch
and had pizza and movie later in the evening. the boys made her a cake (from scratch) and it was very good. it was late when we went to bed and i took a lot of sleeping pills. went to church on sunday. when we got home she draged me to the bedroom and we made wild and passionate love for about 15 minuets. after 20 years of marriage we know all the right buttons to push so it was quick but very good. took the boy to a friends in the afternoon before going the the gfh. we watched the great gatsby for a school thing for her and then she jumped me. before going out to dinner with friends.

kinda wierd having my tool in the gf mouth just hours after doing the wife. I did wash 2wice before i let her suck me but still think im a total
BASTARD for seeing her at all let alone letting her suck me then f me.
today im back at work like everyhing is normal... but what is normal anymore?
BASTARD

at least im working overtime and dont have much time to think about it all. god i a hate myself today.
BASTARD

didnt get drunk yet want to sooooooo f-ing bad work sucks right now and the
wife "loves me so much"
im am such a
BASTARD

called the wife and told her i was going to be late as i was taking a guy to rehab. this "guy" is made up and it provides me with almost endless lies. Last night went as well as can be expected got the the gfh and did som chors while she taught one of her students i gave her som gifts and we ate dinner (leftovers) so i didnt hafta cook. took her to dary queen and went to see a sick friend. came back got ready for bed ate her to a couple of screeming Os then poked her a couple of times
called the wife and told her id be out all night and went to sleep.
BASTARD
i soooooo wana drink today maybee lunchtime as ill sober up before i get off work?

well its the gf birthday again i have laid the groundwork for staying out all night with the wife its a plausible excuse so what the fuck. i already took a day off work to put her wireing in and took her out dancing so im going to get her a little gift and a sappy card probably a sstuffed toy as well she likes thoses especially when i make them talk to her. Im going to act "normal" as i can so she has a nice day but i really want to show up drunk and show her that i really am a in remission drunk but still a
BASTARD

o yea almost forgot i really wana kill myself by drinking lately. i keep promising my self soon verry soon.

o yea almost forgot i really wana kill myself by drinking lately. i keep promising my self soon verry soon.

How was my weekend you ask? ok no one asked no one reads the drivvle i type its just an on line diary i guess.

worked my ass off on the gfh doing electrics for her crawlled through her attic about 50 times pulling wire but we did a good job of and she is happy. did domestic bullshit all saturday and then took the gf out for her birthday dancing party danced a lot and gelerally made a fuss over her in front of her girlfriends and made them all jellious (how the f do you spell that) any they all would hate if they knew the truth. fucked her before and after so she was pretty happy about the evening till i left about 2 am. Got a call fron the gf on sunday morning that her 14 year old dog was real sick and she was going to put her down. we knew it was comming but your never ready for shit like that. any way she she went peacfully. did the church thing with the family and hung out till i went back to the gfh on sunday night. didnt f for a change her dog just died and all even i didnt want to do it I kinda really loved that old dog. went home early and sook sleeping tabs.
Monday i went back to the gfh went for a bike ride and still didnt f her even tho she sucked on me for a while. left early around 9 and got home in time say gdnite to the kids and to do the wife
forplay with the gf then sex with the wife. I AM SUCH A
BASTARD

yesterday i went the the gfh to help work on the electrics with a friend and his son i know fuck all about house wireing but the "needed" me there so i went got the fuck outa there at 530 tho saying i had a scout thing to get the boy to. the wife actuall y took him but fuck it they didnt need anyway. tryed to wack off while the wife was gon but right about the time i was about to shoot my dik went limp. gues i started to think about everything all at once. pretty bad when i cane even stand to have sex with myself cause im such a
BASTARD