getting transfered to another city on monday for a few months. its closer to where i live. i would like to say "home" but i dont think i have a real home anymore just places i sleep and do stuff.
dont know if there will be a computer or fuck off time like there is here
BASTARD

o yea almost forgot. i feel nothing anymore i say i love you to people and put on a pretty good act i think but deep down i feel nothing numb like my emotions are in a box and i pull them out for people to see when its expected. i do feel anger and tired most of the time but thats about anymore. i just baught a new motorcycle and i dont even feel joy or happy about it just another utility to be delt with.
NUMB BASTARD

last night i got a complement on how good a first aid teacher i am. dont think i am but its all just skills and techneks i have learned over the years i guess. If i felt better about myself i guess i could take a compliment better.

havent had a chance to work on my bike yet but should have som parts in today to work with. i baught a new (used) one ill pick it up saturday down in mid Ohio. im going to sell the old one on ebay piece by piece.

built a deck and walkway for my dad this past weekend with my brother i work well with hem i wish he wasnt on the other side of the state. My Dad actually said Thank You to us. he has a hard time with saying thank you so it felt good to do somthing for him. aside from feeding housing cleaning up after him and his cat. I do like having him around though i realld do.

still a
BASTARD

gota teach tonight backboarding cervical collars. lucky for me im not lead instructor. The canidates say im one of the better ones because im not intimidating like the others. truth is im scared to death to even talk to anywone let alone a group if first responders about life saving techneeks.
in other news my Dad disapeered when i got home the other day i didnt think anything of till i heard him calling for help. he had gon down stairs and took a shower and went into O2 depravation and almost passed out so i got him on his oxygen and into bed. what the f was he thinking i just walked into the door from scouts and was getting things put away and .... anyway he is ok but still managed to shit in the shower that i had to clean up. I love him and all and he really taks only minimal care but.
My bike still runs like stink but i got a lead off a website and have som parts ordered. at least i can ride the wifes bike its too cold for her lately or she has stuff to carry.
my list of i dont want to's is getting longer and longer in my head. I usta have a list of i like's about me a long time ago but now there is not much to like. its a good act on the outside but inside i just dont feel much of anything anymore
BASTARD

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
BASTARD

last night i went home a diferent way to pick up dads mail and stop by the motorcycle shop to ask som questions about mybike that i cant seem to get running right.
anyway i could have pulled out benind this white volvo and a sport ute but as i was on a smaller bike i decided to waight. the volvo put her brakes on to avoid hitting a squirl and the sport ute had to slam on his brakes and swerve to avoid her he missed her by less than a few inches but ended up spraying her with muddy h2o. she was pissed and honked and followed him and all that road rage shit. all the while im thinking to myself if i had pulled out between the 2 i could be dead right now. im pissed at God for not letting it happen. my hands shake while typing this i keep telling myself its just cold in the shop today but its not that cold! is God controling / guiding my life some divine purpose or am i just another monkey pounding on a keyboard. i have a list of things i dont want right now
i dont want
to be a son caring for his father after a stroke
to be a father coaching my sons lego robot team
to be a father talking to my sons about sex drugs and alcohaul
to be a husband to my loving wife
to be a lover to an adoring girlfriend
to be a auto worker drone just doing his job
to be a teacher of first aid and cpr
to be a middle age white guy going through life without a clue
i dont want to be such a
BASTARD
but i am

insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. i have been told that countless times in AA over the years. i guess it must be true cause i do the same things over and over i guess im not really expecting any thing to change. it all will somday but then control will be taken away from me. secretly i want it all to fall apart so i can go back to drinking and feel normal again.
i was just thinking the last drunk i went on i had a blood alcohaul level at .39 when the cops pulled me from my truck. i was offically charged with .35 after i was tested at the station. i was not released the next day till i saw the jailhouse Dr. and after the rest of the "normal" drunks were long gone. while waithig i was put in with the general population waitng to see the Dr. guys who beat there wives a guy who shot another man a few psycos that were locked just for being crazy. and i sit here wanting all that back? i have no other soultion.

my dads doing well and recovering little by little. at least i dont hafta wipe his ass anymore. i did give him a good shave yesterday no nicks. he is still on blood thiners so it made me a little nerviouse to do it. he starts rehab today my wife is dropping him off and picking him up. i was going to do it but nowone wanted me to miss work. at least im good for a paycheck every week.

life insurance would pay a lot too i HATE mYSELF

BASTARD

i am an idiot a total fucking idiot i should not be alowed to fuck up anymore lives. just die already futher mucking
BASTARD

guess dads doing better we have him at my house now. got a lot to do to get hes motorhome ready to live in till the weather turns cold. I know he wants to still go to FL for the winter but he can hardly wipe his own butt let alone fix all his own meals and other stuff. its all a little ok a lot overwhelming told the gf point blank i cant be what you need me to be. and she gave me all that i wish you would let me help you stuff. I wanted to screem at her just what in the fuck do you think you can do for me. i would like to know.
I just dont know what to do i go through the days just getting on with stuff that needs to be done trying to act like im ok. the wife saw through it last night before i could put on the happy face dont know what i will do when it all lreally falls apart. trust in GOD comes to mind but i just dont know to. i read about people that get this overwhelming feeling that God is with them and everyting will work out. i dont feel anything anymore least of all God
BASTARD