goin on vacation for a week girlfriend wife children dad brother sister-in-law there kids neighbors holyfuckingshit. panic panic panic.
God do you read blogs? if so im asking for some help here. not expecting you to work any mircles or anything just help me have the strength to not killing myself (or anywone else) and to not drink.
jim

had dinner with the wife and oldest boy. (sure is quieter when he's not there, kinda miss him, although the house is neater and the bathroom smells a whole lot better i still miss him. worked in the garage with the boy last night. tossed off showered and went to bed. somtimes life can be so normal. still had thoughts of starting all the bikes with the door closed and just going to sleep. probably never have the nerve to do it tho.
got this older lady engineer kinda hitting on me at work. i never have worn a ring so i believe she thinks im single. i didnt realize she was flirting with me untill after she had left my area and i played the conversation over and over in my head and yea that was definatly flirting she was doing. i keep telling myself i already have 1 to many women in my lifeALLREADY . and then the thought that an affair would definatly break it up with my gf. wouldent it? she is real cute and has a great body... i am a sick sick person i know that much.
been listining for God for a while now maybe im not on the right channel. saw som coworkers praying at lunch time yesterday but didnt have the nerve to go and join them at one time i could have but that seemed like a diferent lifetime ago when i wastent such a
BASTARD

went to the gf house monday after work the weather was rain and thunder so we to the home improv store and got a bunch of stuff. i rewired her other ceiling fan to take a 100 wat bulb i grilled som salmon (never buy salmon from chile first of all it was dyed pink it had lots of fat and and tasted like mud) and peppers. walked her dogs and her new puppy round the block. she practilly begged me to make love to her so we did and i got the f outa there about 10pm.

took tuesday off the go to the musium with the wife and oldest boy. We made love when we first got up, wow was that ever nice. put the wife in charge of finding out how to get there got lost in construction downtown but finally found the place, laughed about passing the same buildings 3 times and going in circles but we made it. had to stop for gas and found out my truck is sitll leaking when you fill it so it hasta go back a 3rd time to get it fixed. we went out to dinner after taking the boy to get his braces adjusted. you know there is no extra money around when you are the only people in the resturant at 530 pm economic stimulius money my ass kinda like pissin on a forist fire if you ask me. i liked how one cycle mag editorial put it "most people are only gona blow the money at wallmart buying chineese crap anyway boosting the chinese economy not ours. I say spend the money on hookers, lapdancers and beer, all American stuff." kinda funny the artical was writen buy a woman. Anyway when we got home we thought we would have a fire and make smores. the neighbor was at his his house site working on running a well pipe. he had rented a trencher and the trench was colapsing as fast as he could dig it. His brother in law had bailed out on him so he was left diging by himself. i could see he was getting real down so i went and got changed into work clothes and got the 14 year old to try and lend a shovel or 2 when the wife asks can she come play too?. i fugured sure any dirt we get out of the trench is one less scoop the neighbor dosent haft to right? We had a ball scooping put mud and clay getting good and dirty telling stories about when we did all this same stuff when we built our house. good memories good fun good to work up a swet once in awile too. we had our fire and cooked the marshmallos and ate the smors.
didnt have the balls to call the gf and knew it would f up the hole day if i did so i just sent her a text saying
i was ok gd nte
i can do good but deep down im still very much a
BASTARD

rode bikes with the gf last night bout 15 miles or so. thought wrong again that i would not hafta do her but i guess her peroid only lasted a couple of days. the sex is still real good but how i get hard anymore i d k .
temporaraly fixed her fence cause she still waiting for the county to clean up the massive tree that fell on it. she was worried her puppy was going to get out. as im fixing it with some "poultry mesh" whatever happened to chicken wire i dont know anyway as im putting it up the pup runs in and out of the yard through the pickets and im thinking what the f am i doing putting up wire if the dog can get out every other place in the yard i dont know i just do things for her anymorre. she bought a ceiling fan and i put it up for her then she finds out it only can handle those little candleabra bulbes 60w max. so i fixed that to hold 2 regular bulbs. she made us dinner which of course we have to eat out of the same bowl. painted her nails and rubbed her feet while her nails dryed. massaged her shoulders then went outside to play with her dogs. hafta remember to get mosqiuto spray for her house. she wont use it but im tired of giving a pint of blood every time we go out in the yard. got ready for bed (i hid in the bathroom for 15 20 min) we did the cuddle thing again and she pulled on me till i was hard again thought well did her once might as well doer again got off in about 30 seconds which i dont think was her plan but i was tired of it all by then. but then the dreded "will you play with my nipples" while she dittled herself sounded like she had a good time but it took forever. left about 10pm
got back to the house and ofuck the lights were still on. the wife and the oldest boy were still up watching tv. lies flowed from my mouth as ususal the wife believes i ride with a bunch of guys i am such a
BASTARD
o yea couldent sleep last night wonder y?

how in the eff am i allowed to still breath. the wife went to a wedding out of town this weekend. we were all supost to go but the oldest boy had to go to school an extra day cause of all the power outages. I did the fri night thing with the gf i really tryed not do her but she had me in bed soon enough between som sit coms and her puppy the fucking the night went pretty fast. i didnt go over there on saturday morning though. had a nasty headach well just tired of giving her everything she asks for. she rode her bike by herself for the first time and it all went well hopefully she wont think she needs me to ride more than around the block anymore.
just the same got pissed off with her on the phone cause she started with all that imissyouiloveyoueimissyou bullshit.
oyea i missed a phone call fron the wife on fri night saying the sunset was beautifull and she missed me and she was crying and all (i proposed to her over a sunset o so long ago) i didnt return that call
the red cross called begging for blood so i got to go for a motorcycle ride more than commuting to and from work. got back home and took the oldest boy to a friends

shit gotta go do som work more later
ok 2 days later
stoped for gas and found out the body shop forgot to hook up my fuel filler neck . got fuel in it anyway but it leaked a bit. i dant get angry easy but i am really pissed now good thing they were closed till monday.
a call on the way back home that the boys friend wasent home and i had to go back and pick him up. so all in all my saturday was a total loss but thats ok i didnt want to do much really anyway.
the wife got home shortly after and we huged and i did the whole how was it thing tell me all about it ect ect.
took a large amount of sleepnig pills and called the gf and blew her off and went to bed
sunday was fathersday went to church with the family and when we got home we had pancakes made by my youngest they were better than usuall. did domestic shit the rest of the day trimmed trees mowed lawn and stuff. the
the wife called me to dinner and we ate out on the deck.
went to the gf house after all that all the way asking myself why?
got there found out she was bleeding so i thought good at least i dont hafta do the sex thing.
i was wrong she was determend to suck me hard and she did tossed off on her tits and went home early.
the youngest boy is away at camp the house in not the same w/o him not just neater either he has an energy to him cant quite explain it but its tangable when he is around.
avoided the sex thing with the wife last night too tired or too guilty?
BASTARD

quite the week ive had first the power goes out sunday night lots of wind and rain but no real damage. got the widow next doors gen started and ours my dad was over for dinner so he went home after things calmed down. he had power all along. took monday off well, no power keep the generators running and to take my truck back to the body shop to fix the things they left off and fix the tail lights they screwed up. pisses me off to pick up somthing you paid money to have fixed and its not right. keep it as long as necessary but fix it right the first time ferchrissake. I worked in service for several years and i know they just rushed it at the end do i could have for the weekend. fuck that that keep it and fix it.
almost forgot the wife had to ride her motorcycle home in the rain the other night and i followed her. She said it was a lot of fun splashing through the huge puddles and was grinning fron ear to ear. I was a nervous reck all i could think about was her getting hurt and it would be my fault cause i got her the bike in the first place. but she got home safely and the boys school play whigh we all went to was a big hit as well.
got up early on tuesday and started the gen and went to work. the wife called me about 8 and said a tree fell in the back yard. now i have big trees real big trees the smallest one that could have fallen was 45 feet or so. turns out it was 3 trees altogether the watter had soked the ground so much that the 70 foot oak sunk in the ground and up rooted 2 others on its way down. now here is the cool part it it would have fallen 3 feet south it would have knocked on my garage. 10 feet north the house would have gotten it and the wive had just pulled her truck out to drive the oldest boy to the bus stop as it was raining it would have been totaled im sure as it was it didnt miss the boat but did no real damage.
I know there is a God and he looks out for us all so i did pray a nd thank him for keeping all of us safe. I love my wife. I care about her. and she is leaving on a weekend trip and i will miss her.

so all that said. why in the f am i going over the gf house this afternoon. do i love her too MORE?
I.D.F.N.
BASTARD
By the way if anywone reads this and it dosent make sense think of how it is in my head.

didnt sleep last night it was too late to take any pills so i didnt sleep much at all. goin on a date tonight with th gf o fuckingshit here we go again lots of people and it should be a good time but im not sure i can put on an act tonight.
havnt said more than yea yes no and uhuna to her for more most of the week of course she natters on and on about her puppy and school and all kinda bs.

walked to Mcdonalds for lunch (first time in years) cause i got a cupon in the mail for a free sandwich. and they were closed. WTF closed mac d s is never closed. unless there is a power outage of course everything past the corner was out of power so i walked the mile back and went past the shop to the bar on the other side. got a burger and a coke. funny thing for all my talking about drinking it never occured to me to order alcohol wtf i want to drink myself to death and yet when the opertunity presented itself to me i didnt take it. i guess i dont really wana off myself or drink. I just want out of my situtation. i must get out or i really will lose my sanity
BASTARD
PS i tryed to pray to God today. Pray for what? how? i knew at one time how but i cant remember how to anymore.

i hate you i hate you i wish you would drink yourself to death!
die muthrfukinbastard diediediediediediedieidieidieidieidieidie
BASTARD

came close to getting killed in a headon with a suv yesterday swerved just in time just a normal reaction after riding for 25 yrs i guess. the boy knocked a beer bottle down the basement steps on wednesday it was an accident so i helped him clean up it was a non alchol but it still dreged up an urge to have a nice cold beer. still does even now here at work 2 days later at 730 am.
got a headache this morning.
made love with the wife last night. she is finally over her poison ivy and she kinda jumped me. it was real nice and she looked great. i fell asleep and slept like a stone. how? you ask. well one thing is im a bastard without a conscience and the other is i took a handfull of sleeping pills about an hour before.
We are going to a performance tonight that the oldest boy is in 8th grade now hope its better than his grade school performances. 21 kids in food suites forgeting there lines. and i took off work for this? actually it was pretty funny then and brings a smile to my face even now.

If i got divorced and left the gf i would start drinking again. quite possible the 2ond slowest form of suicide there is, next to starvation.
BASTARD

didnt die last night didnt even come close while riding bicycles.
the girl friends new puppy is cute. cant even comprehend why she wanted a puppy after loosing her old dog. she has 2 others. she gave me a list of reasons but non of them make any sence to me.
wasnt going to f her last night but she wanted it i guess.

I did get her washing machine fixed had to take the hole thing apart to replace the connector from the motor to the transmission. I asked the guy at the service center how much they would charge to change it "about 250 to 300 " is what he told me. she was already to buy a new one. I fixed it for $22.83. i didnt take any money for it so i guess som of my guilt is asauged for her buying me that expensive bike. but not too much us catholics do love to wallow in our guilt after all.

I am pretty good at fixing things.

its the rest of life i suck at

BASTARD

die futherfuckinbasterd diediediedie